A lady called Eve left me a really inspiring comment on an old post. Some very wise words that have had me thinking today and have given me some ideas on how to move forwards from the negative relationship dynamics I have been part of in the past. This line in particular struck a chord with me

You wont be able to have a successful relationship until you open your heart to the possibility that someone wont hurt you.

What a novel idea: open my heart to the possibility that someone won’t hurt me. I’d never looked at it that way before. Imagine being in a relationship with someone who wasn’t going to hurt you. Imagine that such a person should even exist! I do believe that Eve is right though. Until I reach a point where I can believe that I won’t be hurt, my behaviour contorts until I become what I most fear - being a whiny, needy, clinging, insecure girlfriend.

I am slowly learning that being an insecure girlfriend and being a girlfriend who has insecurities are two very different things.

Just over a month ago, I started talking to Matt. I was already hooked before we even met face to face so it was no surprise to me that there was enough of a spark to have us kissing in the freezing cold Market Square at 1am. We met at 6pm and went and had a drink in a couple of bars. He had to go to a birthday thing after our date and I’d arranged to meet some friends. He asked me at one point where I was meeting my friends and it turned out we had both sets of friends waiting for us in the same bar across the other side of town. His face when I said which bar was blank. I’d taken it as him just not knowing the bar I was talking about. I feel too sceptical to declare a sign of fate but really, could it have been any clearer that we weren’t supposed to go our separate ways?

We walked in to The Orange Tree together, he bought me a drink and introduced me to one of his friends who was also at the bar. Then we began to say our goodbyes slowly, reluctantly. He made a joke about the dodgy ending to a previous date I had been on. He turned to face me. I can still feel that ecstatic anticipation as I realised he was going to kiss me; my stomach doing more somersaults than an Olympic gymnast; my heart skipping more bits that it was managing to hit. And then the melting when our lips finally came together.

We went to meet our own groups of friends then and moved on to different places, only to join up again later. It was like something out of a movie - I saw him across the square and we just seemed to walk faster and faster together until I threw my arms around him. I suppose it was then that he began to feel like home, somewhere I belonged, though I don’t think I’d realised it at that point. Since then it’s gone from strength to strength (mostly recorded in my paper journal) and at record speed. We’ve been officially together for two weeks and two days, dating for a month tomorrow.

I keep getting little “signs” that this is exactly right for me. In fact, while I was writing this entry, he sent me this picture which I think sums up what Eve was trying to say beautifully. I could spend the next few months obsessing and analysing, trying to find the Achilles’ heel in our developing relationship. And I would find it, because the more I look, the more difficult I become, impossible to love. The bigger and more significant every miniature imperfection appears. Eve’s comment has made me realise I can stop the deadly spiral of obsession before it evens begins, simply by asking myself a question: what if I can be loved?