Lonely
Being a single parent is so lonely sometimes. I am about to go to sleep without saying goodnight to anyone. There’s no-one to sleepily chat to about my day as I fall asleep. If my children wake up several times in the night, I won’t be able to take it in turns to see to them with anybody. When I wake up in the morning, there will be nobody to say “You sleep in while you’re poorly, I’ll get their breakfast”.
It’s just me. All the jobs that need doing around the house tomorrow are my jobs. All the responsibility is mine.
I thought the bitterness would decrease over time but it isn’t really. I watch friends get engaged, get married and have babies and there is so much anger that I am doing it alone. This was never the plan. This was never how it was supposed to be. In 6 days it will have been 2 years since he told me it was over and there was no going back. Why am I still drowning in grief?
The nights are the worst. Whether or not you can see it right now this is not the same grief as two years ago. You have moved on since then, probably far less visible to you at the present but true nevertheless.
Those friends with the cookie cutter lives are difficult to see, but then there are couples who will never have the beautiful babies that you have, and men and women who will never fall in love and get married, and even people who don’t have hair, or legs, or teeth. We all get a slice of the pie, and some people might seem to get more or less than their fair share, but we never see the full picture.
Some of us are also prone to grief, as I’m sure you know. Today I am grieving an argument that was petty, I started and if I wasn’t so impulsive could have prevented. He’s probably forgotten it, or at least it’s not feeling like a thunderstorm in his head. Some of us grieve and worry and stress, but with the depths also come the giddy heights of emotions- love, ecstacy, joy.
Hope you get your wings back soon xx