Umm
What a mess.
Everything feels like a mess. I have turned into the bitch from hell, I have no idea what I’m doing with my life or what I even want to do with it. I am so angry with everything. I feel so helpless.
I don’t really enjoy being single. I don’t hate it, I just don’t enjoy it. It’s boring and lonely - like that lyric from one of Robbie Williams’ latest songs “I’ve been doing what I like, when I like, how I like; it’s joyless”. BUT, I also don’t want to be in a relationship. I’m pretty depressed at the moment and still can’t see why anyone would want to be in a relationship with me but it’s not just that. It just feels pointless. It feels like I’d be throwing myself into a situation where the only thing I’d get out of it is more betrayal and disappointment. How cynical is that? How depressing is it that that is how I view love, at my age! I’m 24 for heavens sake. I should be feeling like the world is my oyster.
A guy has been emailing me. His name is Tom. He’s very tall, pretty smart, training to be a teacher, has a son. TBH I think we’re both in the same situation, wanting to be in a relationship but it just feeling too overwhelming. I don’t know where that will go. I don’t really mind. It makes me feel hopeful, cos the conversation flows quite well, but the idea of being in a relationship is daunting and that’s not how I want things to start. I still miss Gavin. We’ve fallen out again tonight. He doesn’t understand where I’m coming from at all. It still feels like there are two people in his head - the one I fell in love with who is patient, understanding, gentle, caring, affectionate, and the other who is a selfish and aggressive with a total inability to listen. I never know which one I’m going to get.
I just want to feel loved. I want someone to come and hold on to me. I hate feeling like my world is falling apart. It’s bad enough doing it when you’ve got someone who can just say “It will be ok”. It’s awful when you don’t even have that. I just feel so tired. I’m tired of feeling like this is never going to be ok. It will always just be making the best of a bad situation. That isn’t how I want to live my life.
You are setting yourself up for betrayal and disappointment if that’s what you always expect, then that’s what you will get. Not because you deserve it, but because simply if you expect something enough you will find it, even when it isn’t there. You wont be able to have a successful relationship until you open your heart to the possibility that someone wont hurt you. I have read the rest of your blog and it seems your last relationship was full of you feeling like you were being expected to be disappointed and by the sounds of your latest one, you got your wish. If you suspect someone twenty four hours a day, you will either find things that are not there or, you will push them into behaviour that is unacceptable due to the constant feeling from their point of view of your partner. You will also find fault with people outside of your two’s bubble and cause harm to people who do not deserve it.
I tell you this from experience, and it sounds from your previous entries you hold hate to people who haven’t had anything to do with you, directly because of your own insecurities. How many people have you hurt because of them already, you let them continue you will hurt a million more. Let go. You are a fabulous person, and you can feel it, just allow yourself to.