Rediscovered Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap this morning and have analysed the lyrics to death. I hate being depressed without knowing why. Usually there is a trigger but this time there hasn’t been anything suddenly bad. It’s slowly got worse since my team leader at work got fired so yet again I found myself with a new team leader, I’m not sat with my friends anymore, the pressure is increased. Maybe that was the final straw to an already overstretched situation.
And Gavin proposed, so we’re engaged (edit: probably not the best post to have announced this in!), which means I have to get divorced. Which is good. I want to be divorced. But I want to just press a button, not have to go through all of the stress involved with divorces, dragging up all of the emotions.
I am still insanely angry at what Ben did, the way it all ended, the speed at which he replaced me, the fact that our whole relationship and life together appears to have been disposable for him. I know he is very good at putting unwanted feelings in a box at the back of the closet, but there is just nothing. And I am angry that our friends have almost completely cut me out of their lives. Two of them had babies shortly after Ben’s girlfriend did, so they’re all doing the lovely new mummy thing together and I just want to scream and scream and scream. This isn’t fair, this is my life, how dare she steal it. And I’m here repeatedly picking up pieces on my own, like I am screaming but no-one can hear me.
I sound like a loon. I know. It’s been bottled up, it has to come out sometime. I should have done it all back then instead of keeping my mouth shut, being his doormat, caring so much about what other people would think of me. Looking back, I don’t think people would have been surprised if I’d have lost the plot a bit. I was seriously depressed and he just walked out after 6 years. Or rather, made me leave, so he got the house. Who the hell walks out on his wife when she’s so ill, when you have two children together, when you’re married, for someone you barely know, and then go and get her pregnant 6 weeks later, while your wife is still living with you?
I hate being angry. It’s so ugly, so unladylike. But I hate what he did, desperately hate it. It’s like he took my life, tore it into pieces and then demanded I carry on as normal, better than normal, on my own.
I have been over him for a while, but not my old life. I miss that so much. I miss being a stay-at-home mum, I miss being a wife, I miss living with a husband, I miss my boys. I don’t want it to be how it is. I hate this. I feel lost. I don’t have a decent/exciting/well paid job with any kind of prospect for promotion, I am not a “proper” (by which I mean full time) mum, I can’t afford to go back to college/university properly so I’m restricted to the OU, and that is only while I am living alone and get grants for the fees.
This isn’t me. I am not a Plain Jane who can just sit back and plod along. If I want something, I go and get it, but this time I can’t. I feel horribly stuck and can’t see a way out :-(