Usually when I get all wound up in the evenings, by the morning it has gone. It started on Wednesday night and the fear is still here. It was triggered by him talking to his ex-girlfriend. I am convinced he’s going to leave, but after talking to Kate (my therapist), she’s pointed out that I trust him to stay if it’s just us, but if another woman comes along, I lose all confidence. So having him be close friends with an ex-girlfriend is not safe or comfortable territory for me.

I felt sick all day yesterday, and feel sick now. I find myself forgetting to breathe, and coming up with the most ridiculous catastrophic fantasies. I just want to relax and find a way to be able to let go and trust him. It’s not losing him that I’m so terrified of, it’s the dishonesty. I can cope with the ending of a relationship. I can’t cope with dishonesty or secrets or untruths, not on any scale right now, not even about the pettiest of things. I hadn’t noticed before, it was something Kate pointed out. I’m usually quite strong and independent and intelligent, I don’t “need” a man. What I need is someone who is open and honest and emotionally (and in terms of giving attention) available. I would rather hear the painful truth, than be told what I want to hear. Sure it hurts in the short term, but life does, and if it’s honest then I can get over it. It’s the deception that damages my self esteem and makes me lose trust in my own judgement.

I hope this feeling passes soon. I don’t feel like myself. I feel like my normal, strong, optimistic self is trapped in cage, covered in a black cloth, screaming to get out, while this half-person with no personality, no strength, no self belief is running the show.