One of the things about using this blog for support myself is that I only really post when I’m feeling negative.
Tonight is just another lonely, boring night in. I’m missing my sons. I’m still sad that there is no-one to cuddle up to and cross that I’m bothered by that.
Seeing the therapist tomorrow, thank goodness.

Being a single parent is so lonely sometimes. I am about to go to sleep without saying goodnight to anyone. There’s no-one to sleepily chat to about my day as I fall asleep. If my children wake up several times in the night, I won’t be able to take it in turns to see to them with anybody. When I wake up in the morning, there will be nobody to say “You sleep in while you’re poorly, I’ll get their breakfast”.

It’s just me. All the jobs that need doing around the house tomorrow are my jobs. All the responsibility is mine.

I thought the bitterness would decrease over time but it isn’t really. I watch friends get engaged, get married and have babies and there is so much anger that I am doing it alone. This was never the plan. This was never how it was supposed to be. In 6 days it will have been 2 years since he told me it was over and there was no going back. Why am I still drowning in grief?

What a mess.
Everything feels like a mess. I have turned into the bitch from hell, I have no idea what I’m doing with my life or what I even want to do with it. I am so angry with everything. I feel so helpless.
I don’t really enjoy being single. I don’t hate it, I just don’t enjoy it. It’s boring and lonely - like that lyric from one of Robbie Williams’ latest songs “I’ve been doing what I like, when I like, how I like; it’s joyless”. BUT, I also don’t want to be in a relationship. I’m pretty depressed at the moment and still can’t see why anyone would want to be in a relationship with me but it’s not just that. It just feels pointless. It feels like I’d be throwing myself into a situation where the only thing I’d get out of it is more betrayal and disappointment. How cynical is that? How depressing is it that that is how I view love, at my age! I’m 24 for heavens sake. I should be feeling like the world is my oyster.

A guy has been emailing me. His name is Tom. He’s very tall, pretty smart, training to be a teacher, has a son. TBH I think we’re both in the same situation, wanting to be in a relationship but it just feeling too overwhelming. I don’t know where that will go. I don’t really mind. It makes me feel hopeful, cos the conversation flows quite well, but the idea of being in a relationship is daunting and that’s not how I want things to start. I still miss Gavin. We’ve fallen out again tonight. He doesn’t understand where I’m coming from at all. It still feels like there are two people in his head - the one I fell in love with who is patient, understanding, gentle, caring, affectionate, and the other who is a selfish and aggressive with a total inability to listen. I never know which one I’m going to get.

I just want to feel loved. I want someone to come and hold on to me. I hate feeling like my world is falling apart. It’s bad enough doing it when you’ve got someone who can just say “It will be ok”. It’s awful when you don’t even have that. I just feel so tired. I’m tired of feeling like this is never going to be ok. It will always just be making the best of a bad situation. That isn’t how I want to live my life.