Talking makes it better.

It’s too hard, this relationship malarkey. I expect too much, and then when he can’t fulfil my unreasonable wishes, I push him away and then wonder why he’s more distant. I have, as I feared, become the jealous, whining girlfriend, and I don’t know how to make it stop.

The last few days I seem to have put walls up all around me. I can’t handle any more rejection, not even a tiny bit, not even if it’s because I’m being unreasonable. I don’t trust him, I don’t trust anyone. I trust myself, that’s more than I used to have. But anyone else, no way. And I am so angry, because I know it’s not really him, it’s because of what happened with Ben. How can you love someone so much for 6 years and then just walk away and switch off your emotions and start again with someone else without so much as a backward glance?

If Ben could love me as much as he did, and I know he did, and then just leave like I was nothing but some silly mistake he made when he was only 21. If I could mean that little to a man who declared in front of 70 odd people that he wanted to stay with me forever, signed a legal document to prove it, had two children with me, then why would anyone else stay?

So I pick up on the tiniest things - that he didn’t say goodnight, that he doesn’t come to bed when I do, that he doesn’t cuddle me like he used to, that I have to ask for kisses, or to be kissed in the way we used to - and turn them into proof that he’s not bothered about me. And if he’s not bothered about me then he can just leave. And then it doesn’t feel secure, and I don’t feel safe, so I run away and hide.

And I am so sick of this. :-(

I’m eating again. Standing in front of the fridge, the freezer, the cupboard. Waiting for it - the thing that will stop the hunger - to jump out at me so I can stop the restless pacing. A couple of years ago I would have been beating myself up for being “addicted” to food. Why couldn’t I just leave it alone?

I know now, and I can see, I’m trying to fill an emotional hunger with something physical, and also trying to give myself a little pleasure when I’m struggling to get it in the form that I actually want it. It doesn’t work, of course, because I’m not hungry for chocolate biscuits, and the pleasure I get from them  isn’t what I want to feel. Sure, it tastes nice. But that’s it. The pleasure doesn’t even last the whole time I’m eating the damn thing. It feels pointless.

The most frustrating thing is knowing that there is no way to get what I want right now. For a start it’s not practical, and even if it were, it’d mean him giving up freedom that he’s not ready to give up yet, which would make me feel more guilty than good. And it’s not that I want him to actually give it up, it’s that I want him to want to move in with me, propose marriage, have a baby. I’m sure it’s not quite the truth, but I seem surrounded by people moving in together, having babies, getting married and it’s hard to not compare. And I know he does want to move in with me, get married to me and have a baby with me. Just Not Yet.

Gah. I just want to let it go, just enjoy what we do have, because I love what we have. I am happy to wait. Even if it means I have to put up with the incessant impatience. I’m happy to wait because I love him and I wouldn’t want him to feel pressured into something he’s not ready to do. So it’s not that I’m sat here wondering how I can make him want it. I just want to stop wanting it. How do you stop wanting something that you want so much? I’m not even entirely sure that I do actually want it. I think I might want it because I can’t have it. I mean, I do want it, I know that, but not yet. Not marriage and babies anyway. Moving in together and engagement, possibly, but not the Big Stuff. Not yet. But because he doesn’t want to, it makes my desire for it stronger.

I hate being in this position. I hate wanting more than he wants. Women are bombarded with warnings to stay independent and never to appear needy or to make it known that we want to live with our partners, let alone marry them or have babies with them. Be needy and lose your man. Whatever you do, don’t be needy.

So instead of acknowledging that that is what I want, I stand in front of my cupboards and look for something else.

Validation…

Gav says (19:53):
*I never thought of it like that, now I think I understand why it frustrates you sometimes

Ahhhhh :-)

Two of my friends have had babies this last week. I’ve been looking longingly at their photos and trying to place what it is that I’m feeling. They have something that I want I’m not entirely sure what it is. It’s not a baby. I am broody but I get to the end of my day and I’m so glad I don’t have another child to tend to or, worse, a long night of endless feeding ahead of me. It’s not a baby. It’s not marriage. One couple isn’t married, so it can’t be that. I wonder if maybe it’s that innocence that comes with an unbroken family. The belief that no matter what, you will be a family that stays together.

I have a horrible feeling it’s just a commitment thing. I look at them and I see commitment, both given and received, in some tangible form - some way that is not just words or intentions. I miss that, and it feels like having it again is forever away.

And yet, part of me feels like I am crazy to want to do that again so soon. Part of me is desperate to just up and leave. Things here are feeling stiff and stagnant. I want to stretch out, run free, breathe.

I wonder why I can’t just sit and enjoy what I do have - seemingly the best of both worlds. Why does it always feel like it’s never enough?

I feel really miserable, and like my need for attention is insatiable. I might just give up and go to bed.
:-(

Too much?

I don’t know. It’s weird, the things we care about and how quickly we become attached. We. I. The things I care about and how quickly I become attached.

Gavin’s ex has told him Emily is too poorly to come this weekend. Somehow it produces the same ball of rage that I get when I can’t see my own boys. I’ve never met the woman and yet somehow I hate her. How dare she. How dare she stop Gavin seeing his daughter? How dare she stop her daughter seeing her father? What the hell does she think she’s doing. I don’t believe the “too poorly” line for one simple reason - Gavin said “Lets see how it is on Sunday” and she says she doesn’t think Em will be better by then so lets see how it is. I have two children and while neither of them are remotely the same, I know that the speed a child recovers from illness is not predictable. How can she know two days in advance that Emily will not be better by Sunday? ARGH. Total fricking lies.

I am concerned by the strength of my negativity. I can’t sleep. I can’t find my rescue rememdy so have taken Nytol, even though I’ve drunk a bottle of wine almost and could probably drop straight to sleep. I’ve cut my leg. Again. (I’ve pretty much figured that cutting is directly related to anger I can’t express appropriately). I want to drive round there and shake her. Punch her. And this isn’t me. I’d pretty much say I’m not a violent person. And she’d probably twat me right back.

I just want to make him feel better and I don’t know how. I can’t. That’s why I can’t make him feel better. There is absolutely nothing I can do.

I am so angry. With her. With the world. With the system that decides that mothers should come first when it comes to custody no matter what. I am thankful for that because of my position, but when it comes to him… He is such a good father, it breaks my heart to see that he can’t have her when he should be able to.

I have been reminded twice in the last 48 hours that I haven’t updated my blog, so I probably should - it’s been nearly a month!

So - I sorted out a new house, passed the credit check, packed up my stuff, painted Toby’s room, and with fabulous help from Gavin, Daniel, my Mum and Lol I managed to move house. I absolutely LOVE my new house. It’s all light and airy and bright and the layout is better, the location is better. It’s just brilliant and I am so much happier. I get to have Leo in the daytime a lot more, I can walk to pick Toby up from school and I don’t have to rush from place to place. And it’s £20 a month cheaper. Hurrah.

Things with Ben seem to be getting worse though. I am feeling more and more resentful of the arrangements he’s gone back on, and he’s pressuring me more and more to sort the divorce out and I’m just not ready. My solicitor is back in the office on 6th April, so I’ll email her and have a chat and see what we can work out. Toby came out with a corker the other day - “Daddy is going to marry Kat when he unmarries you”. So they’ve obviously talked about it, and talked about it in front of the kids. The whole thing just makes me so angry - not an emotion I’m particularly comfortable with dealing with. I’m going to call Relate and see if I can get some counselling to sort out some of the things I’m getting stuck with.

Gavin & I have both had a bit of a wobbly week. Not with eachother, but worrying about other people. We’ve talked about it and agreed some stuff and it feels so good to do things just because it makes the other person feel better. Not because I get anything else out of it, just knowing that he doesn’t have to feel uncomfortable about something that I’m doing or could do but decide not to. Every time we hit little things like this and talk it through we seem to get closer and closer and I can’t imagine not having him in my life anymore. This does, however, mean that I struggle with not moving on to (or knowing when we will move on to) ”the next stage” of our relationship, whatever that may be, because he’s not ready, but I think I owe him some patience after how long he waited for me when I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship at all.

Work is starting to pick up again - it’s getting busier, we’ve stopped having to do this incredibly annoying thing where any messages we sent through to the delivery centres had to be authorised by a team leader or floor walker which was so patronising. And they’re slowly getting me back off the phones and walking again. Still not taking escalations which is really annoying but I’m going to “gently remind” my team leader when he gets back from his week of training on Monday.

And last but not at all least(!), I graduated as a Chocolate Fairy!!!! I can’t believe how fast the last year has gone - and now all I have to do is sign my licence agreement and send it back and I can run workshops! I am incredibly excited and get interest from people at work that I talk to about it. I am so excited about it :) I’m going to write another entry about the two days very soon!!

:) xx