There are things I need to write about but I have neither time nor motivation.

The flatpack was badly designed, no screw holes for 16 screws, and my screwdriver which was on its way out anyway decided to give in altogether.

So why am I sat here feeling completely depressed about the state of my house in general and my abilities as a parent? How does my inability to put together a crappy flatpack have me fleetingly thinking about just taking a couple of those antidepressants in my drawer that make me really sleepy so it can all just disappear, just for a few hours. How has it got this bad again? Why am I blaming it all on disorganisation and laziness when I know full well the “disorganisation and laziness” - fatigue and lack of motivation is a symptom of the depression, not the cause of it.

Still, I guess the important part is that I’m catching the thoughts and not acting on them, and treating myself with kindness and reminding myself that I’ve done this before, I can do it again, it’s just a bit of mess and I can have a good sleep when I’m done. I don’t need to get overwhelmed and it’s all going to be ok.

But it fricking sucks :’-(

Packing boxes
Sorting documents
Packing documents
Clearing out cupboards
Clearing out car
Cleaning car
Clearing out garage
Making sandwiches
Cleaning kitchen
Bathing kids
Putting together a flat pack single bed
Carrying the flat pack pieces upstairs
Washing clothes
Ironing clothes yeah right
Reading bedtime stories
Finding pyjamas
Drying wet children
Dressing wet children
Convincing dry children to go to sleep
Packing more boxes
Updating fairy protocol document
Circulating fairy logistic document
Paying money to just about everybody in the world
Worrying and stressing in general

Two weeks today til the end of fairy training!!

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Gav & I have had a couple of wobbly days. Mostly down to my insecurities and struggling with trust. While we were seeing eachother but not being exclusive, he went on a date with a girl, but I knew nothing about it. I still feel like I shouldn’t be bothered, but I really tried to make sure that Gavin knew when I was going out to see someone else so this kind of thing didn’t happen. It still hurts to think about it, but I’m feeling a LOT better about things because we’ve talked more and the stuff that was bothering me before has been sorted out and I feel like I’m finding my feet with this trust thing :)

I read this in my Breaking Free from Emotional Eating book -

She stops trusting him because she feels that if she got lost and forgot where she was going, he wouldn’t point her in a direction that led home. She senses that he isn’t for her, that his vision of her is tailored to his dreams, not hers.

And I realised that even though I worry, I do trust that Gavin would “point me in a direction that led home”. He is for me. He loves me and I really believe that. Not just lust, not just because I’m nice to have around from time to time, but he really cares.

And that made me smile a lot. :-)

So the whole trust thing hasn’t gone away, so I’ve bought a load of Relate books this afternoon. I’m not feeling scared today, just maybe a little unsure. I overanalyse things too much, and convince myself that the smallest sign of Gavin not being interested (I mean, since when can someone be continuously, obviously interested?) is instant proof that he wants to leave. And I’m still not entirely convinced that he’s not interested in anyone else. But it’s bearable now.

I’m finding it a little difficult that he doesn’t talk about his feelings much. I assume because most of the times things are just fine, nothing to bother about. But sometimes, I know there is something, but he’s not a talker so I feel like I don’t know what to say, or whether to just carry on like there’s nothing. For example, I went out with Chris on Friday night. He paid for dinner, and I bought a couple of drinks to say thanks. We went to the Loggerheads and he told me about Bex and Katie, and I told him about my stupid insecurities. We had a good time. I asked Gav today if he was worried when I went out, and he said a little bit. I had no idea. Well, I assumed he might be, but he really gave no sign he was at all. So then I was worried because he wasn’t worried! He said he didn’t say anything cos he didn’t want to seem bossy and overbearing, but I kinda would have liked that. Crazy, huh?

Anyway, after going out with Chris, I decided to get the bus back to Sandiacre instead of Ruddington, and Gav let me in looking all bleary eyed and sleepy, and I snuggled in beside him and he held me so tightly. I love it when he’s all mushy and cuddly like that, it makes me feel so special.