I’m still wibbling. Gavin’s being great, but I can’t help feeling that I’m just one big irritation. I know it because I’ve been in his position, and having someone doubt you all the time gets very boring very quickly. It’s hard to pretend that I’m not worried about it, and I can feel my perception of the situation shift depending on my mood. Or my mood shifts depending on my perception. Chicken/egg.

I’ve now found myself worrying about other girls. Which is clearly bonkers. The guy waited for me to be ready to commit to him for 12 weeks, supports me all the time, has seemingly never-ending patience with my wobbles, tells me he loves me all the time… I wonder how attractive they are, and even though I thought I was over this kind of thinking, would feel more secure if I could believe I was more attractive than they are. Like physical attraction is the only way to keep a man! It’s exactly the same as “He’d love me if I were slimmer”. Entirely ridiculous, but the gremlin is there, cackling away. And just incase this doesn’t sound ridiculous enough, I’m  pretty sure each girl is either engaged or married.

Gavin came over on Tuesday night, even though we’d agreed to have that night apart, which was nice. He was giving his friend Jemma a lift to town and decided since he was “out that way” (actually about 5 miles away still lol) he’d come and see me. We snuggled up in bed and watched Little Britain and I relaxed a lot. :-)

 I’ve just found this, on the Relate website - http://www.relate.org.uk/takecharge/colourguide/ which made me smile. I’m so definitely a Fiery Red, and I’d guess Gavin is an Earthly Green. They have little guides on how to get along better with your partner’s type. It’s nothing new, but it’s a good way to refocus. I downloaded the audiobook to Men are from Mars the other day and I realised I was expecting Gavin to react to our new relationship in the same way that I do - overenthusiastic, making lots of future plans, being very demonstrative etc. And that just isn’t realistic. It reassured me that it’s ok to let it go, and I just need to learn how to recognise the ways he reacts.

Blah. I’m glad I’m learning, and I know it’s going to take time, but I wish I could just feel ok about the whole thing. I hate waiting!

Just read this on a forum I read. Fabulous!

Men do not experience time in the same way as us.  Never forget that line from Clueless when our heroine is hoping for a date with the object of her fantasies, “Christian said he’d call me in the morning, which in boy time meant Thursday”.  I have quizzed male friends about this many times.  They insist that when they don’t call/text/email, they are not playing games, they are simply useless.  They enjoy the date, they go home, they turn their attention back to work/beer/mates/computer games and they forget to call.  Suddenly it’s next week.  Women enjoy the date, go home and think about nothing else, thereby elongating time.

Maybe girls are just as silly as boys :O)

Gavin came over last night because I was feeling miserable. Being the star that he is, he even came armed with chocolate :O)

I’m still overthinking, and something still doesn’t feel right, but I think I’ve figured it out. I just don’t know how to do the new relationship thing, and we’re coming from completely different places. Gavin’s been single for 18 months, whereas I’ve been in serious relationships for the last 8.5 years just about. He’s used to his own space, and I’m used to having my partner there every day. The whole adjustment would be much easier if I wasn’t yelling at myself the whole time for rushing things. And it’s weird because if he insisted on being here every day, I’d probably freak out and start pushing him away. So it’s not what I really want, so I don’t know why there is a part of me that is sad/worried that it isn’t what we’ve got. I keep finding myself playing stupid games, like not texting him even when I want to, only putting one kiss when I go offline instead of the usual line of kisses, and asking questions or making statements just to provoke a reaction. Which is really fricking stupid because I know it never works. Time to fish out “Men are from Mars” and remind myself how men work, I think ;O)

I’m still not even ready to push on with the divorce papers yet. I thought I was last week, but I can’t go and look at them, let alone fill them in. I don’t want to be with Ben anymore. The love I had for him is fading fast (finally!). But I’m worried about not being married, even though I know it’s nothing more than a legality. It just kinda feels like once the divorce is finalised, we’ll just be history. It’ll stop being real, like it never mattered or never meant anything to him. And I’m not ready to deal with that.

I went to see the mental health team yesterday and as always, left feeling more miserable than when I arrived. No surprise that they tried to get me to agree to taking mirtazapine. I declined strongly, and insisted on counselling, and the doctor advised me that they’ve now introduced a service in GP surgeries that I can be referred to. I’m hoping that will help with the residual emotions and thoughts left over after splitting up with Ben. I’m not sure if I am depressed at the moment or not. I seem to have little things, but it’s not constant. I’m not detached from the world, and I can still think logically and talk myself out of my gremlin’s clutches, but it’s not easy.

Generally though, I am really happy. I feel more supported now than I have done in years, and I’m feeling optimistic about the future, including the idea of having a stepfamily which is something I just didn’t want to do before. I’d rather have been on my own than introduced a father figure to the boys. It’s different with Gavin though. I think maybe because he’s already got Emily and he knows what being a parent is like. I feel more relaxed about letting him in. It’s a bit crazy though - when we all get together, there’s us two, a 4 year old, a 3 year old and a 2 year old. I think our holiday is going to be haaard work!

 :O)

I feel sad today. I know I’m overthinking it, cos I’ve got myself convinced that Gavin is only with me cos he feels bad for me being on my own, which I know isn’t true. I am throwing internal tantrums left, right and centre, and I just feel like collapsing into a heap on my bed and bursting into tears. It reminds me of the quote I have on my facebook page -

Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket–safe, dark, motionless, airless–it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.
C.S. Lewis

To love is to be vulnerable. That’s how I feel right now. Completely open, exposed and at great risk of being hurt in a really big way. I don’t like it at all. I can feel myself closing off. Saving myself from losing an impossible battle. Oh yes, the gremlin is back with full force. She looks like Little My from the moomins, incase you hadn’t read that before. She sits on a rope swing attached to an old, dead tree inside my head and cackles insults when I start feeling low.

A deadly spiral.

Actually Toby is really, really hard work at the moment and I feel like a crap mother. :-(

Something feels calm. I can’t quite place my finger on it, but I’m beginning to feel like I have am regaining control of my life in some way. We have finally introduced a proper bedtime routine, which will be even better after next week as I have also managed to change my hours on the days I have the boys so I’m doing 8am-1pm. It means I have to leave my house at 6.30am, but Heidi (my childminder) suggested I just drop the boys off in their pyjamas, with their clothes in a bag, which means we can just get up and go. Toby still seems quite hyperactive though, and it’s beginning to worry me.

I’m back into the swing of things with work, I’m sorting out some bills, I’ve given notice on this house, we’re getting to school on time without any troubles, including getting Toby’s lunch packed up in the morning. I feel like I can handle the responsibility I have now, and I’m embracing it rather than battling with it.

I’m looking after myself much better than I used to, which is having a good effect on the house and the children. I am loving the responsibility of being logistics co-ordinator fairy for the March workshop - I don’t feel overwhelmed by it at all, which I thought I would. I am juggling with more balls every week and it doesn’t seem to be getting harder.

I wish I could claim all the credit for myself, but I can’t. I’ve been supported by the most wonderful man over the last 12 weeks. I’d forgotten what it was like to have someone who believes in you, who loves you despite your flaws, who catches you when you’re falling rather than just pointing out that you’ve fallen and watches while you get back up on your own. Someone who doesn’t expect anything in return. Who is just there, no matter what. I am, of course, talking about my boyfriend. We finally decided to make it “proper” on Monday night. I’m still a little nervous - it feels a bit soon - but I am Happy. Capital H. I’d forgotten what this felt like :-)

I feel like I’m starting to step away from Ben again. We have fallen out because Kat is planning on giving birth in our marital home which I am not impressed about, and would do whatever it takes to make it stop, so now Ben isn’t talking to me. I remember now how I often felt when we were together. Disrespected, I guess. It reminds me that being on my own is a good thing. I am sick of backing down over everything. He’s got the house and practically everything in it. Everything is always on his terms. If I don’t back down, he stops communicating which makes everything so hard. But I am Not A Doormat. I lost everything - my husband, my home, my family, my chance to be a stay at home mother. I’m done with losing.

Gavin and I have talked a lot over the last couple of weeks, and I’m beginning to believe that I could be in a relationship again. That I can be happy and loved, and not feel trapped. I still freak out a bit at the idea, but I just feel so close to him, so supported. He cares for me in a way I haven’t been cared for in a long time, and I am enjoying the feeling of gentle contentment that comes with loving and being loved.

I met his daughter on Saturday night when I came back from London (they picked me up from the station), and she is just absolutely adorable! When I got in the car, she leaned over and said in her little, inquisitive voice - ”Nicola?”, it was so cute. When we got home she showed me her play kitchen and then we sat and watched Mister Maker together and I read her a story before she went to bed. <3

I’m excited about this year - there is so much to look forward to. I’m starting to get some faith back in my ability to do things as I’ve been wobbling a lot lately. I’ve given notice in on my house, so I’m hoping to move in 3-4 weeks. It will be nice to be in a house with double glazing, and close to Toby’s school so we don’t have a crazy rush in the morning and a 35 minute traffic jam to face first thing. And maybe, just maybe, a boyfriend.

I didn’t want to leave my blog in a misleading place, but I don’t have time to update right now.

My life continues to be a complete and utter rollercoaster, but I’m feeling much better about things :-)

I’ve done a lot of thinking today. Right now I have a few tears rolling down my cheek as I realise that I am his wife, right now, and that I don’t have much longer to be able to cling to that. I don’t want to stop being his wife. I can deal with not being in a relationship with him if I can be his wife.
I miss him so much. I miss our marriage. I miss our family. I miss us being together by ourselves, I miss us being together with our boys. I miss that I could trust him absolutely and completely. I miss that we knew we would always be together because we adored eachother. I miss that no matter how hard it was, we had this optimism that saw us through.

I love him.

The confusion is exhausting. I am constantly pushing  myself to KNOW. What do you want? Where do you want your life to go? If X is what you want, how do encorporate Y into your life at the same time? What if the right thing to do after all is Y? Will you please just give up on Z, it’s not going to happen, and the chances of W happening are also slim to none. Stop chasing the things you can’t have, but simultaneously you’re too young to settle. Chase the unknown.

How can you chase the unknown? Where do you even look? What if you walk straight past it? Writing that reminds me of the first few months following the BC principles. How did you know you were “doing it right” if there was no “wrong”? And of course everybody ends up “doing it right” because they find their own way.

It just feels like a massive journey to stand in front of the world and have no destination but want to get there anyway.

Where is There?