I am alone tonight - the boys are tucked up in bed (though Toby isn’t sleeping yet…) and I am tidying up, decluttering, getting rid of the old and feeling hopeful about moving forwards. I am still taking baby steps, trying not to run before I can walk and feel like I’m getting the hang of things more and more. Enough metaphors.
I am still amazed at how much my life has changed this year. Where am I now? Separated, with two beautiful, clever, funny children who amuse me no end. I have my own house, my own car, my own money (or not, I’m incredibly broke at the moment, but at least the tiny amount I do have is mine). I have so many fabulous friends that I love to pieces and can’t wait to get to know even better. I am single and loving it - I love the excitement of dating, the wonderful closeness that comes with dating someone for a few weeks, and I have another date next week (the-guy-across-the-room-at-work aka Lewis), plus maybe another one when I get back from Scotland - I’m not quite sure. I’ve been single for 11 weeks now I think - the longest I have ever been single since I was 12!! And since I am rubbish at staying single, I’m enjoying the dating before I stop being single. My family have proved to be a fabulous source of support, and I’ve reconnected with two cousins that I have really missed over the last 6-7 years. I am living, in the words of Geneen Roth, a big life. A wonderful, truly magnificent life. There’s just one thing missing.

The temptation to sit and wallow tonight is extremely strong, and is why I’ve chosen to be on my own with the boys tonight. I need to know that if I need to cry, I can just cry, because it’s ok to be upset. I miss Ben terribly and wish so strongly that he was here with me tonight, seeing in the New Year with his family.

But I can’t keep living like that. I am stronger than that. I love him, and would welcome him with open arms if he would give it another go, but this year has shown me that I don’t need him. I can have a party with my babies, we can see in the New Year, just me and my boys and we’ll be ok. I have a million options before me this year, so I am going to celebrate that as the bells wipe the year’s slate clean…

I did this last year, and have done it every year since I was 15, so I’ll not stop now..

1) Where did you begin 2008?
At home with Ben, Toby and Leo.

2) What was your status by Valentine’s Day?
Handing back my wedding ring. The most stupid thing I have ever done.

3) Were you in school (anytime this year)?
Nope.

4) How did you earn your money?
Working for UPS in their call centre.

5) Did you have to go to the hospital?
Yes,  once for taking an overdose (during the separation with Ben), and once with my ex-bf who had done the same.

6) Did you have any encounters with the police?
No, except for calling them when my ex was hinting at suicide. It was the first time I’d called 999, and just like I thought, when they asked which service I wanted I said “I don’t knowww”.

7) Where did you go on holiday?
A weekend in Paris with Chris. That was all.

8) What did you purchase that was over £500?
My laptop.

9) Did you know anybody who got married?
Yes, the “Frankelby” wedding and it was an absolutely beautiful wedding as well, so much fun.

10) Did you know anybody who passed away?
No, thank goodness - two years with no deaths.

11) Have you run into anybody you left high school with?
Yup, I work with a girl I used to go to school with, and I’ve bumped into more.

12) Did you move anywhere?
Yes, to Ruddington, on my own. I love my house, I love my freedom, but I miss my family :(

13) What sporting events did you go to?
Umm, pass..

14) What concerts/shows did you go to?
Paramore!! Hard Rock Calling in Hyde Park which was awesome - seeing Eric Clapton and The Police in the same weekend! And then the awesome Jason Mraz in September. Fantastic!

15) Are you registered to vote?
Yes

16) Who did you want to win Big Brother?
I didn’t watch it this year.

17) Where do you live now?
Ruddington, for the next few weeks at least.

18) Describe your birthday.
We went bowling and I got drunk, took silly photos and laughed a lot.

19) What’s the one thing you thought you would never do but did in 2008?
Leave my husband, beg him to stay with me and then lose him anyway. Get together with one of his best friends and then break up with him as well. Have a one night stand. Fall in love with someone other than my husband. Go back to work while my children are still under 5. Househunt, move and live on my own. Fit into my size 14 jeans again. Fall out with my best ever friend.  Train to become a Chocolate Fairy… so, so much this year!

20) What has been your favourite moment?
I couldn’t possibly say, it’s a secret ;)

21) What’s something you learned about yourself?
That I am a hell of a lot stronger than I ever gave myself credit for.

22) Any new additions to your family?
Just a weeny kitty called Willow.

23) What was your best month?
All of them have had incredible highs and lows. It was probably January, November or December.

24) What music will you remember 2008 by?
OneRepublic, Adele, Maroon5, Jason Mraz, John Mayer, Jeff Buckley, Christina Aguilera, James Morrison.

25) Who has been your best drinking buddy?
Probably Sapphire…

26) Made new friends?
Yes, loads!

27) Best new friends?
Sapphire, Michelle, Charlene, Gavin, Craig.. they are all awesome :)

28) Best night out?
The first payday night out I went to, in October. And Sapphire’s birthday.

29) Any regrets?
Leaving my husband and losing my family. Not something I’m going to get over any time soon :(

2008:
[x] Sucked for me
[x] Was awesome
[] Was ok

Yes.. both.

In 2008 I…
[x] Dumped someone
[x] Was dumped by someone
[x] Dyed my hair
[ ] Failed a class
[x] Fell in love
[x] Had a boyfriend/ girlfriend
[ ] Snuck out of my house
[x] Stayed up all night
[x] Cried because I missed someone - far too many times
[ ] Had detention(s)
[ ] Missed curfew
[x] Kissed someone who I regret kissing
[x] Kissed someone I loved
[ ] Made honor roll
[ ] Didn’t make honor roll
[x] Danced crazily with my friends all night
[x] Gained confidence
[x] Lost a friend(s)
[x] Gained new friends
[x] changed your look

In 2009 I want to…
[x] Be more outgoing
[x] Get better grades
[ ] Care less about how I look
[x] Care more about how I look
[ ] Be crazier
[x] Keep my resolution
[x] Be more of myself around people

A word to describe 2008: Regret. And Strength.

In 2009 I will be turning: 23.

Something I want to happen in 2009: Lose more weight, wear more makeup, graduate as a chocolate fairy, get good grades with my OU course, move house, exercise more, go on holiday, save money, be more organised, and I think I want to settle down again too at some point, but not yet, I am having too much fun being single - I want to have a good time and be happy!

Something I don’t want to happen in 2009: I don’t want my boys to have a step-sister, but that’s unavoidable. And bitter.

My theme song to 2008 would be: White Flag by Dido, Forget Her by Jeff Buckley, and All Fall Down by OneRepublic, Broken Strings by James Morrison, Slow Dancing in a Burning Room by John Mayer, and for the better days Life is Wonderful by Jason Mraz, Up by The Saturdays and Born For This by Paramore.

My favorite color in 2008: Red

Summer 2008: I started to make a life for myself.

My best friends in 2008: My husband, my mum, Heather, Natalie, Craig, Chris, Sapphire, Michelle, Gavin.

Honestly, will you miss 2008?: Yes. At some point in 2009, I won’t be married anymore and that will be a weird identity change, even if we have been separated for 8 months already.

Sorry for putting that song in your head. It’s in mine and I thought it was a good title considering the time of year. New Year’s Eve will be another milestone for me. Ben & I always stayed in together and reflected on the past year and were full of hope for the next year to come, and it was the same last year. We’d have a fab meal, get some Champagne it, only drink half the bottle as we never really liked it, dance together to Jools Holland’s Hootenanny, run and fetch the children from their beds and then switch over to BBCOne for the bongs and watch the fireworks out of the window :-)

This year, I don’t have the children. I’m not sure if I want to go out and distract myself from it (which will mean getting drunk which could end in tears, plus lots of money on entrance fees, drinks and a double priced taxi home), or whether to stay in and reflect alone which sounds depressing frankly.

I’m missing Ben a lot at the moment. I find myself doing crazy things like wondering if I wished hard enough, it’d all just be a bad dream and I could wake  up. They don’t call me loopy for nothing. I know he’ll start nagging me about the divorce soon and I can’t even look at the papers at the moment. I still identify myself so much as a married woman. As his wife. I don’t know how to be divorced at 23. I know that sounds stupid.

Also it’s my birthday night out on Saturday. I. Can. Not. Wait!! Normally every one of my friends cancels on my birthday, but this year I’ve got 10 definite yes’s and 21 maybes! It will be a fantastic night out and I am so excited! I have bought  this skirt and opaque neon pink tights!

I have to stop spending money though. That is my New Year’s Resolution. Stop. Spending. Money.

I hate being broke.

It’s Boxing Day and I weighed myself twice in two days and I’ve lost weight. Fantastic. I’m not on a diet and I lost weight between Christmas & Boxing Day.

The best bit though isn’t that. The best bit was being able to enjoy the food, all of it, without worrying about starting a diet afterwards, or dreading the scales, or having to sit with a painfully full stomach from eating everything on offer (and sneaking stuff that wasn’t on offer). I knew there was no way I’d be able to eat more than a normal plateful just because it was Christmas, so I just had a normal plateful. I still had a bit of everything, just smaller “bits”. So today I’m not overfull from yesterday, I’m not starting a diet. In fact, I’ve cracked open the amazing Rococo chocolates that Chris so thoughtfully bought for me and I’ve had a couple and then put them away as that’s enough. It’s so good to feel this way.

My grandad made me laugh earlier. He is always commenting on people’s weight and diets and so on, and he said to me “You’re looking a lot slimmer, you look nice now”. Good job I’m a fully fledged BCer or that would have sent me straight back to my LighterLife sachets.

I am excited to see how my life Beyond Chocolate will look this time next year - I’ll be a fully fledged Chocolate Fairy and I cannot wait to spread the word so that hundreds of other women can feel the same way I do :)

It’s all over and I did it. The boys woke up at 7.45, we went downstairs and they loved their toys. Leo absolutely loves opening presents, and would open anyone’s if we didn’t keep an eye on him. Toby was very impressed with his Bosch workbench and toolkit. My mum got him a really cute interactive Wall-E too, which I think is fantastic! The boys then had muffins and jam for breakfast (we had smoked salmon and scrambled eggs on our muffins, with Bucks Fizz). We played all morning, and I took loads of pictures with my new camera. I was doing fine, didn’t miss Ben at all. And then at half 1 I realised I only had 30 minutes left with them and I got all upset :( I held it together until he got here. I strapped the kids into his car, kissed them goodbye and ran back into the house where my mum was waiting for me at the door and I just cried in her arms. Having him drive away with the boys was like having my heart ripped out. I just felt sick.
Mum served dinner, which was amazing. Afterwards I went to sit on my own for a while, which gave me the space I needed to feel a little better. I’ve just chilled out for the rest of the day really. I went to see Gavin this evening, which was lovely, his snuggles are perfect :-D I won’t see him for a while now, which sucks :-(

The boys are back tomorrow and I can’t wait. I miss them terribly. I’m sat in bed at my mum’s, surrounded by their stuff and I wish so much that they were sleeping here with me.

It hasn’t been as bad as I thought it would be, but I’d can’t get past the thought that it feels so broken. This isn’t how it should be at all.

Well it’s 12.21am on Christmas Day morning. It’s unavoidable, and some how I’ve managed to pull it off so far. I bought and wrapped all their presents in one day. I’ve given them a bath, brushed their teeth, watched The Snowman, read them a Christmas story and put them to bed. And I managed to do it all with only one instance of tears.
Truth be told, I’m dreading tomorrow morning. Excited, but dreading it. I can’t imagine what it will be like to  be doing this without Ben, and to have to hand them over to him tomorrow afternoon. And to her. It would be much easier if he was on his own too. Knowing they get to do the family thing stings. I’m not ready for this yet.
I’ve done it though, and the only thing I’ve forgotten were the stockings, which Mum had two of anyway, and batteries, which I don’t think we need. Yay me. I might even be able to get through tomorrow without crying at all.

Now for New Year’s… *gulp*

I seem to be throwing tantrums again. I think it’s because I’m tired, and I’m sick of being on my own and surrounded by loved up couples everywhere, a lot of them expecting babies or have just had them. If you’d have told me last Christmas that I’d be sat here now in my own house being a single mother I would have laughed. Hard. We were happy together. He loved me. I loved him. We adored eachother. I can’t get my head around the way it just all imploded, and the fact that it’s all my fault.

 I want to run away a lot at the moment. Just take a suitcase and a paycheque and the boys and start again. I can’t though, because I’m tied to Ben. I hate that. I hate the way he’s living his life exactly as he wants to and I’m stuck. How can I be so free and yet feel so trapped?

 I know these childish tantrums will stop soon, but at the moment I seem to be spinning between wanting to cry because “I don’t want to” and screaming at myself to “Grow the fuck up”. Bleh.

I’ve had so much to write recently but no motivation to actually write anything that I forgot stuff in the last post.

My wedding anniversary for a start. It wasn’t as bad as I imagined it would be. I stayed at Gavin’s on Wednesday night which helped so much. He was an absolutely angel and really looked after me. Even when I was forcing myself to “be ok”, he knew I wasn’t and just held me when I cried. It makes such a difference to be spending time with someone who understands that I am bound to be upset about my marriage and is ok with it, even though he is in love with me.
I went shopping with my Mum on the Thursday and we went for lunch. Mum freaked out half way through because the song Ben & I had as our first dance song came on. I hadn’t even noticed :-D I sent Ben a text, and he replied which I really appreciated.

I’m still not doing great in that respect. I felt like I was able to start moving on a little bit and began filling in the divorce papers, but then Heidi (my childminder) was talking to me and she was saying how she couldn’t understand why he left when he says such nice things about when we were together and that I should move back in with him, and it got me thinking about it again and so now I’m stuck, not wanting to go back but not wanting to go forwards either.

But then in some ways I do want to go forwards. I love spending time with Gavin, and I love that he has quite good understanding of what I’m going through - being a parent and separating from their dad and stuff. He is much more sensible and organised than me. I wish I was sensible and organised. I seem to be going backwards a lot at the moment. I think spending 4 years acting like a middle aged woman has made me rebel a bit, and I’m still finding the balance. I am spending way too much money at the moment, that’s not good. I don’t have money for things I really need now, which is stupid of me.

But I’m scared of being in a relationship again. I’m not ready yet. I’m not over what happened with my marriage and I feel like I really need this time to be single and make sure that I’m making the right decisions. Chris got involved with the boys too quickly and Toby was really upset when we split up. And I don’t think I could handle it if things didn’t work out with Gavin. Three breakups in less than a year would be bad.

 What else? Umm. I arranged to meet Craig again but he couldn’t make it. He’s apologised and said he’ll “make it up to [me]“. I’m not holding my breath.

I’ve been listening to a lot of Jeff Buckley recently. I am absolutely loving “Forget Her”. I love the line - “she was heartache from the moment that you met her”. I identify with that a lot. I am in a pain in the arse in relationships. I know I am hard work. I think Chris has played on that a lot too…  he knows that I know it, and he knows that I feel bad about it, so I worry about it. I guess I can only be who I am though, and if someone else doesn’t like that then that’s their choice. I always seem to come away feeling like shit after talking to him. He calls it “home truths”, I call it tactlessness.

Christmas is currently underway in the Wilson household. I have a sparkly gold wreath on my front door (£5, asda sale), and a fabulous green pre-lit Christmas tree (Argos sale) decorated with gold baubles and a variety of red, white, green, silver and gold ornaments (John Lewis sale). I have Christmas cards up, and I replaced the old ice pot pourri with a christmas one. I haven’t written a shopping list yet though, which I really need to do as I don’t have time to wander around finding things.

I’ve had a fab time the last couple of weeks. Last Friday, the 12th, was the work Christmas party. It was great to have everyone together. We went to Zizzi, and the food took absolutely ages which was annoying. Quite a few people seemed to go home from there, but a load of us went on to NG1 which is a gay club. We had a laugh there, and I wore a dress covered in rows of tassles with black tights and my sparkly red wedding shoes. Then on Saturday it was Sapphire’s birthday, so Michelle and I were out again with Sapph for that. Adam from work came as well, and a load of Sapph’s friends. We started off in Wetherspoons, then went on to Cucumara and then we ended up in Revolution. It was an absolutely awesome night, and I was so glad I went. I have a load of pictures on Flickr.

This weekend has been an odd one. I went with Chris to the Maze’s Christmas Party, and we started off having a really good time. I told him I was completely broke so we’d need to eat somewhere cheap first, but he offered to pay so we went to Zizzi again, and we had wine, so I was drunk before we’d even finished eating. We walked up and went through to the Maze. We watched one band, Three Beards I think they were called. Then the burlesque dancer, Cherry Deville, came on. Then after a bit of a break, the Royal Gala band came on and I pulled Chris up to dance. I was dancing the way I normally dance, and he was stood behind me and started grinding up against me and I really didn’t like it. I tried stepping forwards but he followed, so I asked him not to cross the line. I did this a further three times before I gave up and went to sit down. I explained to him what was distressing me and he just laughed. I don’t really remember what happened then, but he wouldn’t stop laughing and I was already quite distressed that he was crossing lines that I really didn’t want him to cross, so I got up and walked out. Before I left, I mentioned to the bar staff that I was worried about him because of what had happened before, but I couldn’t stay any longer.

On the way to meet Chris, a guy came out of the NCP car park and asked me where Maid Marian Way was, so I told him. On the way back down to the square after leaving Chris, another guy stopped me and asked me where Maid Marian Way was, so I said “You know, you’re the second person to ask me that tonight”, and he looked at me and said “I think I’m the same guy, I recognise your shoes.” I was walking towards that way anyway so I told him to walk with me, and as we walked down to the square I realised I’d missed the night bus by 5 minutes so he offered to do the “gentlemanly thing” and give me a lift home, which I accepted as I couldn’t really have afforded a taxi and didn’t fancy waiting 55 minutes for the next bus.

He had to go and check out of his hotel, so I went with him and then we walked down to the car park, which we then realised was locked and we had no way of getting in to his car until 5am. He tried calling the call centre but they were having none of it, so we decided to walk back up to the hotel and sit in the lobby with coffee for him, water for me and a duvet. We talked for ages about all kinds. I told him about Ben, Kat, Chris, Gavin and Lewis and relationships for me in general at the moment, not going to university and wishing I had, my job, and he told me about his job, going to Oxford, the different businesses he’d run, his partner and her mother who has Alzheimers, and an almost unbelievable story about the time he was carjacked. We were talking for two hours before he mentioned we didn’t even know eachothers names, and he asked if I was on facebook, and took my phone number as well. We talked until 5 past 5 and then went down to the car park again, where the mobile support  officer told us that had we pressed the intercom button at the entrance, he would have come and let us out!! I think Gareth’s head nearly exploded at this point :-D He drove me home though, and waited til I got in safely and everything which was sweet.

I wasted most of yesterday, but then dragged myself out to Asda, came back and had dinner and then went out to see Gavin again. I was tired and mardy though, and think I was winding him up, which was not nice of me :-(

Today I have the boys back and we’ve decorated the tree, hung the wreath on the door, made our own Christmas cards, started to tidy up the lounge and have watched Serendipity, the start of Fred Claus, the end of Curly Sue and now Casper is starting, but we’re going out to Ben’s to pick up some more decorations. Toby is completely over excited, so I’m going to have to wear him out this afternoon I think…

Thursday is creeping up on me way too quickly. I don’t think about it on purpose, but then I do and it feels like a wave that just consumes me. I wish I could push it away, hit the pause button, but nothing will stop it. When I think about everything I’ve managed to do on my own this year I’m surprised that this is bothering me so much. I just seem to be having this massive internal tantrum, because I am so scared. I don’t know who I am if I’m not his wife, if we’re not a family together, if he’s moved on and I mean nothing to him.
And yet I am so much happier. I was just looking through my facebook photos, and I have had so much fun this year. I have been 22 instead of middle aged ! I have made so many friends, fabulous friends that I have such a good time with. I’ve had the most fun ever being able to flirt with guys and have crushes and I’ve discovered so much about my sexuality and where my boundaries are. And falling in love again, with a wonderful, amazing man.  I know so much more about myself. I would not have changed this year for the world.
I still can’t quite picture a future as a single mother though. I can’t imagine all these broken events - birthdays, parents evenings, Christmas. I daren’t even begin to imagine what February will be like when his daughter is born. I am still painfully bitter about that.
I need to get on with the divorce, but how do you end a marriage you don’t want to have to end? And when am I going to stop feeling like this? I could do with a fast forward button for that part.