I have officially been a miserable cow this weekend. Got smashed on Friday at the works do. Managed to do all kinds of random things that I am dreading returning to after the weekend. Completely not good.

I am also feeling really very sick, also not good. I’ve got fairy work to catch up on. My team leader is leaving (this really sucks). People keep telling other people my secrets. My best friend doesn’t seem to like me. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I am in love and I’m too scared to do much about it. My friend that always lets me down has let me down again and it always upsets me more than it should and I react like a loon.

Woe! Woe is me!

But somehow the glass is still half full. Curiouser and curiouser.

He said it last night. I have a big silly smile on my face and I don’t think it’s going anywhere any time soon :O)

I went to see Gav last night and we were talking about glasses and contact lenses, and when I worked out how long I’d been wearing them, I realised it’d been nearly three years. A week before my wedding. I had forgotten about that big milestone. I’m not sure how I feel about it. I’m dreading it. I can’t exactly mark the occasion, so it will just slip by. It’ll become just another day, an ordinary day and at the same time, my third wedding anniversary. I’ll be working til 8pm that day, so that will help a bit I guess. It’s so hard to get my head around the fact that this time last year we were happily married, and this year we’re so far away from where we were.

I have woken up with swollen tonsils again. Toby is being really attention seeking and seems constantly tired, and Leo is just whining whining whining. I feel like today is going to be a crappy day. I hope I’m wrong, but I’m already reaching for the fast forward button.

I have woken up in a good mood this morning.

Ben brought Toby’s school uniform round like I asked him to.
I slept well.
I’m looking forward to work.
I downloaded my favourite Yoga music and have been listening to it this morning so I’m chilled out and feeling uplifted.
It’s only one sleep til I can see Gav.
I have been dancing, which always cheers me up.
My house is mostly tidy!
My holiday is paid for (even if it has taken me £127 over my overdraft and Mitch isn’t talking to me anymore)
I’m seeing Craig on Saturday.
I get paid tomorrow.
I’m eligible for housing benefit and council tax benefit which will save me a fortune!
And best of all, the sun is shining!

I went shopping at Sainsbury’s today with the boys. It actually went really well - I went with a list and Toby enjoyed helping and Leo didn’t whine at all. I still managed to spend £61, which is the amount I have spent every week for the last few months. It’s quite odd. Anyway, while I was there I decided to buy some Gu Sticky Toffee Pudding. The last time I was on a diet, I ate this. I had 30 points (8 for breastfeeding, 22 otherwise), and I used 15 eating a whole tray of Gu STP. And I still wanted more and felt deprived that the stupid diet meant I could only have one tray. So as an experiment, I bought it, had my dinner and then put the STP in the microwave after I’d put the kids to bed. I could only eat a quarter of it before I gave up because I was already feeling sick! How nuts is that?!

I am still feeling whingy about everything. I feel like I’m about 14 and throwing a tantrum because she’s been asked to tidy her room, it’s quite pathetic. I keep catching myself looking in the kitchen cupboards and wanting to cram food in just to make it stop for a little while, which I know will simply not work. I think I’m tired. And lonely. Being on my own was bliss at first, and now I just want to snuggle up on the sofa after a long weekend, and I can’t. I’ll have to wait til Tuesday night til I can even have a hug from anyone.

I am doing my own head in by whinging so much. I wish I could just stay happy, or at least content. I feel restless at the moment. Impatient. Like there is something better I could be doing than staying in , doing nothing, with only the laptop for company. And as I write that I realise how pathetic I’m being. I’m seeing Gavin twice this week, and then I’m seeing Craig on Saturday (after 3 months!), and if I wasn’t having the kids on Friday I’d be going on the works night out as well. It’s not as if I’m short of invitations. It’s just that insatiable emotional hunger that I used to shut up with food, and now I don’t do that anymore it’s hard to make it go away.

Back to work tomorrow. I’m looking forward to that. I really like my job. I love the people I work with, I love the sense of accomplishment I get, I love the recognition I get. I like fitting in somewhere, and making friends with new people every week, and getting to train to do harder tasks so that eventually I can get promoted.

I should make a list of everything that I have to look forward to, everything that I’m proud of, everything that makes me happy. Maybe that would help when I’m feeling feak and weeble ;O)

Ouch. I’ve had tonsillitis for a week now and it kills! It didn’t hurt at the beginning of this week, but now it hurts like hell and it feels like I have a golf ball in my throat. My appetite has disappeared, which is handy because I’m really broke at the moment. I need to stop spending money on things I don’t need. I also have a sneaking suspicion that I might be eligible for housing and council tax benefit. That would help. I need to save up about £500 for a deposit before I can move next year and that just is not going to happen at this rate.

It was lack of funds that helped me put Beyond Chocolate into place this time last year too. I really had to think about what I was eating because the money only went so far, so I had to buy exactly what I wanted and nothing else. It usually meant shopping every day but it helped me focus.

My second one in a year. Is it the most depressing thing ever or what?
It’s like putting a relationship into a black bag or two. Or in the case with Ben, several boxes and seven months later we’re still not completely separated in that way. I guess it is a bit of a “wipe the slate clean” moment, but it’s still not much fun.

Christmas is slowly descending as well. It’s funny, every year before this year I’ve been planning it since August. It feels pointless this year. I don’t want it to happen. I don’t even want to think about it. I don’t want to do it on my own. I want to have someone (not just anyone) to share it with. Christmas is so much about the family, and I don’t have that this year. Or I have some broken form that could never be the same. Like a photograph with someone cut out. And not just that, but knowing that Ben will be having that family Christmas. Remembering the Christmas I had when I was pregnant with Toby… everyone fussing over me and excited, and knowing that will be her. Knowing they will be doing the family thing with my children. And then knowing that I have to do it all with a smile on my face because that is what good girls do. So I’m a bit sad today because I know I can’t put it off much longer.

And I think I may have upset my best friend too. Well, I say best friend but I don’t know anymore, I don’t think she thinks of me as her best friend now :( She had her daughter christened and didn’t even tell me, let alone invite me. So I was upset and told her so and she’s not replied to the text (she said she didn’t get that) or the message I sent her. Maybe we’ve just drifted too far apart? I miss her a lot :(

I am getting depressed by my depressing posts at the moment. I guess that’s because I put here what is bothering me, rather than what is cheering me up. I looked in the mirror this morning and wished, for a few seconds, that I was back where I was, with my family. Then I realised how far I’ve come this year, that the depression has gone and that I’m doing this all by myself and how strong I am now and I wouldn’t go back even if I had the choice, not if that meant giving up everything I’ve built. And I do just have this secret feeling that everything is going to be ok pretty soon :)

Ugh.

I am frustrated. I am supposed to be being careful. I have been through so, so much this year. And I’m just not. I’m beginning to feel out of my depth and I don’t like it.

I never understood people who were afraid of falling in love, or avoided it, or were in denial about it when it happened. I was intrigued by the idea, but never understood it. I understand it now. It’s a weird feeling though. Like a sort of push and pull. When I am with him, it’s awesome. We just seem to click somehow. But then I have to come home and the sulking that follows is doing my head in. And I’m really nervous. I am rubbish at the wait-and-see game - far too impatient.

So the logical option would be to be careful, again, right? I just wish I could figure out how to undo it :-/

No kids tomorrow, nothing to do tonight. I have tonsillitis so I can’t really go and see anyone or go out drinking or anything. I don’t have any wine in, which is probably a good idea after last week. I have a feeling I’m going to have to get used to these Friday nights in. And tomorrow I am determined to be productive and tidy the whole place up again. It was lovely last week but then it slowly descends into chaos throughout the week. I’m going to have to start being more tidy though as I don’t want to be spending every Saturday tidying and cleaning.

I just thought of another S word. I think I’ll embrace that one instead.

Just when I think I’m doing ok, he posts something on his facebook that stirs up that old bitterness.

His unborn daughter will have wheels (a groovy buggy, apparently) soon.

My £700 buggy lies still broken in his garage from where he hasn’t bothered to get it repaired after breaking it.

I hate being bitter. It’s so ugly.