Ben finally announced Kat’s pregnancy yesterday. On facebook. About as in your face as you can get. Everytime I feel like I’m getting back on top of things, I realise just how quickly I became disposable and I freak out all over again. I keep telling myself I should be over it by now. In some ways, I am. It’s clearly for the best - I’m feeling so much better in myself. But losing the marriage and that exclusive family unit is still so painful to remember. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, and he certainly wasn’t supposed to get his girlfriend pregnant just 6 weeks after we finally called it a day. That’s made me realise that he got her pregnant while we were still living together.

I hate feeling bitter. It’s so unattractive. I want to be the “bigger man” and be pleased for them and wish them well but it just hurts. It seems silly that it should hurt when I don’t want him back and I definitely don’t want to be pregnant myself, but it does. It just seems to tear open that wound again and I’m fed up of it.

I’m doing ok though, mostly. I have such wonderful support from Chris. He is just amazing with the boys, I am so proud of him for doing what he does. I found it hard enough to start with one baby, and he’s been thrown in to a situation where he not only has to deal with an emotional girlfriend, but she also comes with two children! Add on top of that his stressful job and everything else he has to do… the man is a saint. I do worry though. It’s so easy to burn out.

Going through this separation has taught me that in order to survive, I absolutely *have* to be selfish. If I’m not selfish, I get worn out, constantly tired and no good to anyone. That’s most definitely been helped by Beyond Chocolate. I never would have been able to see myself as important enough to give myself what I needed and would have discarded the advice - You can’t look after anyone else if you don’t first look after yourself - that I now know to be critical.

Work is going well. I’m in the top call queue now, and I’ve got my eyes set on other things. I’m hoping to get a job on an email department because then I can do whatever hours suit me rather than being controlled by call busy times and agent staffing levels.

The move principle is still on hold, though my eating is slowly getting better at the moment. It’s still not great and I’m still eating for comfort a lot, but my weight is just holding rather than going up which is always a bonus. I really need to get out and move more though. I feel stagnant when I don’t, but it’s just one of those things that gets wiped off the “to-do list” early on.

And rather scarily, I think it’s only 3 weeks til the organizedchristmas.com holiday countdown starts. Wahhh!!