I’ve just realised that my blog is now over a year old! I’m impressed by that. I’m going to do another post updating where I am with each principle.

Tune in
I can’t imagine not having tuning in as part of my life now. It’s just something I do automatically. I was reading my BC book the other day and I’d written “tuning in includes emotions too?”. I did a double take - how could I not have realised that emotions were a critical part of tuning in? :D Moments like that really make me realise just how much I’ve come.
Stop when you are satisfied
I’ve gone backwards with this one. I seem to be eating slightly past satisfaction every time. I think this is due to me not really asking myself what I want to eat, so it’s hard to get satisfied. Also, recently I’ve been using food as a way to “refuel” I guess. If I feel worn out or emotionally drained, I’m generally finding myself in the kitchen.
Enjoy
I think I manage this quite well, though it’s obviously hampered by eating things that aren’t good food matches. I have started cooking again properly now though. I was living off convenience food for a while, which is really hard to enjoy :D
Eat whatever you want
I’m really not doing great with this one at the moment. In general terms I do fine, but in terms of choosing something to eat I tend to turn “I don’t fancy chocolate” into “I musn’t eat chocolate”. I am eating much more chocolate than I want to be at the moment, but I think that’s because I’ve started to make it “illegal” again. It’s the vending machine at work - the only form of refreshments on my late shift. I guess I could be more organised and take something in with me, but I never remember.
Be your own guru
I am learning how to do this and seem to be starting to pick it up. It is this one that I find a real relief. I like trusting myself and standing on my own two feet, making decisions for myself etc. I’m finding it easier to reject “should’s” from others and doing well with telling my inner gremlin to STFU.  This one I haven’t changed from last time. I love being my own guru and do it mostly with ease and I’m finding it easier to take the idea to other parts of my life.
Put it on a plate, sit down and focus
I almost always put my food on a plate now, and if I don’t have a plate (for chocolate or something) I make even more of an effort to focus. I feel cheated if I don’t focus and “miss” my meal.
Eat when you are hungry
This one seems to go in circles. I definitely get hunger signals now, even though it took 5 months to recognise them! When I’m stressed or depressed they disappear though, and that can make eating difficult as I still want to eat. I make sure to be especially easy on myself at those times and encourage myself to do it as much as I can at other times.
Own your body
After writing this post last year, I went up to a size 20 and somehow that stopped me caring about my size and I’m now a 14/16. I’ve been significantly less happy with my body since Ben left. I find it much easier to love my body when I know that somebody else does too. It was also easier to be naked around Ben before as he’d seen my body go from youthful to mother-shaped, whereas Chris has only ever seen it mother-shaped and I feel defensive, and sad that it’s so “used”. And I really, really want to lose weight at the moment.
Move
I really got into this one at the beginning of the year. I went to yoga every week and I’ve just kind of stopped now. I haven’t felt ready to approach it recently so I’m letting it slip until I do. I know that bugging myself about it will only make it worse. I’d quite like to go swimming soon, so I’m going to try and get all my stuff together and find out swimming times so that when I fancy it I can just get up and go.
Support yourself
I am still not very good at this one. I find it so hard to ask for help from anyone. I’m ok at recognising when I need a break and letting myself have one, but getting help from outside is really hard. I just don’t feel like I deserve it, even though people constantly tell me I do. Perhaps acknowledging when I could do with some extra help without having a go at myself for not asking would be a good start.

Since my last post I seem to have taken a step backwards. The depression seems to be rearing again, everything feels like such a battle and I’m constantly tired out. My house seems to be all chaotic again as Ben bought loads of boxes of my stuff over. A lot of it is greatly attached to either him or the marriage and I’m not sure I want to let it go but I don’t really want it in my house either. Ho hum. Tomorrow’s another day and the war continues… 

It seems strange that it’s such an effort to keep up with blogging and posts on the IE forums when before it was such a big part of my life. I feel sad that I don’t have the same records of the last few months as I’m sure they’d make such interesting reading in a few years.

I have my own place now. I moved in on the 25th June and it’s slowly taking shape and looking like a home. I think I’ve managed to finished the last flatpack now as well which is a relief. I have really enjoyed making it my own. I especially love being selfish and not having to compromise on the things I want to buy, and I love having my own space. Chris has been an absolute superstar as well, finishing off flatpacks I’ve started and being brilliant with helping to look after the boys. He is so patient with them, and so good at getting Toby to do things. Toby’s behaviour has started to settle down a bit now. He was all over the place for a while, which was awful to see. I think having me settled in a new house and not arguing with Ben all the time is helping a lot.

I’m doing slightly better in that respect too but it’s still really hard. Even though I’m proud of myself when I take every little step forward, it’s still so sad as it’s another step away from the marriage and family unit that I fought so desperately for, that I had always imagined myself being part of. I’ve changed my name now too. I’m just Nicola Wilson now. I needed to keep the attachment to the children, without being so closely linked to Ben, and since there were only nine Wilson-Mawers in the whole world… It’s taking a bit of getting used to, but I’m glad I’ve done it.

Since things are slightly less chaotic, I’ve been looking after my eating a bit better too. I’ve been eating a lot more out of tiredness, boredom, loneliness etc recently. I’m feeling more able to just pause for a while now though. Having not a lot of money and therefore none to spend on food all the time helps :D

 I hope this is me surfacing. I still wobble, but I’m feeling so much stronger - I’m off my antidepressants now -, despite some really upsetting news from Ben recently. One step at a time though, and I know I’ll get there :)