Blimey doesn’t time fly when you’re having fun a crisis!

Life at home is worse than ever, a real rollercoaster of emotions and thoughts, and it’s had the inevitable impact on my eating habits. I know that I’m eating to fill up my empty heart. I know it won’t work. Thankfully I also know that yelling at myself won’t make it stop, so I’m being as gentle as I can. I’m also thankful that I have this way of looking after myself, even if it is only effective for a short time. It does give me some pleasure when I need it most.

Socially things have been rubbish this month. Every time I’d arranged to meet my two best friends it got cancelled so I’ve spent a lot of time (over)thinking everything, which never really helps as I end up assuming the worst and panicking. My depression is still blooming awful. I switched my tablets this month and I’m still waiting for them to kick in, though I’ve given up hope really. I’m going to see the psychiatrist on the 22nd April, though I’m hoping to get some private therapy before then as I really need it. Last night, one of the nicest friends I have tried to kill himself. It gave me a real kick and made me see that I have to do something about my own state of mind. It also triggered another self harm episode, but thankfully it was just a couple of superficial scratches this time. It’s time to stop waiting for someone to save me now, and knowing someone I really care about has reached the bottom has given me the motivation to start saving myself.

Positivity. Yoga is still amazing. I’m not bored of it one bit. I love it. I love it when it hurts the next day. I love it that when I get in my car to drive home, I’ve worked so hard that my arms shake. I love that it gives me time where I am so focused on the poses that whatever is troubling me fades away for a while. I love the meditation at the end that forces me to focus on myself and reminds me that I am ok. Whatever happens, I’m ok.

Also, I’ve had cravings for vegetables again!! Woohoo!! My gosh do I love that :OD I’ve been absolutely cramming the junk food lately - and by that I mean anything that isn’t a good food match. I haven’t really been tuning in much at all to be honest and it really takes it toll. I feel like I’m coming out the other side a little bit now though.