An open letter to dieters :D

http://goodwithcheese.wordpress.com/2008/01/28/an-open-letter/

I had most the amazing weekend away. Filled with mini nightmares but fantastic nonetheless.

I met Kerry for dinner. We went to Pizza Express - somewhere I have been meaning to try for a while but never got round to it. I had cannelloni and it was absolutely delicious, all cheesy, tomatoey and creamy :D And I had two glasses of wine, which went straight to my head! I was probably rabbiting on like a right banana. A couple of drinks in me and I can talk for England. Got on the tube all ok, but then couldn’t see the lift out of the station so climbed 219, yes, 219 steps (count em!) up a spiral staircase with a heavy suitcase. I was exhausted by the time I got to the top!! Then I fell down outside the tube station!
And then by the time I reached the hotel, exhausted, desperate to flop on my bed, they tell me they don’t take Solo, couldn’t accept payment over the phone, wouldn’t wait until the morning for the remaining £9 that I didn’t have in cash. Great. So I walk allll the way down the road to the cashpoint to remember that Ben said he’d already withdrawn £250 so I couldn’t withdraw another penny. Stranded!! Well, for a while at least :D Luckily Ben’s mum was able to email her card details to cover the payment so I could go to bed and Ben would sort it out with her the next day. I finally fell asleep at about 2am!

I was up at 8am and had to go and hunt for a toothbrush because I had managed to leave mine behind - I actually brought it downstairs to pack but dropped it and forgot to pick it up again, d’oh! I got to the Beyond Chocolate workshop without a hitch though, thankfully. I am so glad I went. It was so much better than I’d imagined. I was worried that I wouldn’t learn anything new, but it helped me to see things from a different perspective and gave me some clarity on some of the areas that have been a bit trickier for me recently.

The lunch was absolutely amazing. I think it was wensleydale & mushroom tart with new potatoes in a herb dressing and salad, and it was from Melrose and Morgan in North London. For the morning and afternoon breaks, they put out a fantastic spread from Rococo chocolates to fresh fruit to cheese straws to rice cakes to biscuits. Though, typically, all I fancied was an apple! I did taste the Rococo chocolates though, and their sea salt one is my new favourite.

I met some fantastic women on the course and I am so pleased that so many of them have decided to join the Beyond Chocolate forum too. I know my own journey wouldn’t have been anywhere near as successful this far if I hadn’t have had the support from the ladies from the forums and blogs. The advice, support and encouragement has been such a wonderful help, I couldn’t have done without it.

Wahey! For once, I am hungry. I’ve only had a small bowl of pasta all day though. I’m in one of those moods where I just can’t be bothered to eat. I can’t be bothered to do anything actually. I’m fed up and I can’t be bothered to do the things I need to do to stop me being fed up. But the food - we’re due another food shop so the cupboards are bare and I can’t be bothered to look again at what we don’t have. I don’t even know what I want.
I had my first appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday. It wasn’t a therapy session as I had hoped, but she went all the way through my background which took about 45 minutes. She’s recommended a drug change so I’ll be starting venlafaxene next week. I’m not looking forward to it as the side effects look crappy.

Venlafaxene may initially cause dizziness and nausea as your body adjusts to the medication. Other Venlafaxene side effects reported include sweating, loss of appetite, dizziness, dry mouth, anxiety, tremor, blurred vision, constipation, sleepiness, change in sexual ability

Blah. Loss of appetite. Great. Anxiety? What? That’s part of the fricking problem! Change in sexual ability aka inability to orgasm. Fab. <sigh> The sooner this is over, the better.

I’m getting better at keeping my house straight though, which is good. Before, I couldn’t bring myself to do a thing and now I am doing something every day even on my worst days. I’m slowly learning that it really helps me to feel better. I think it helps that I’ve got some systems in place to keep the clutter under control, but generally it makes me feel like I can smile once the room is cleared.

I’ve also decided to go back to using ‘Nicki’ instead of ‘Nicola’. Using my full name was another part of my attempt to act older, sensible and responsible. I don’t want to be her anymore. She didn’t know how to be fun. I’ll put her in a box until I feel old enough to really be her again.

Today is officially Blue Monday and it really does feel like it. I feel absolutely awful, and I think I am coming down with yet another cold - I feel dizzy, bunged up and really achy. I just want to snuggle up in my bed on my own with nothing to do except eat bowlfuls of comfort food. But I’m not hungry. I’m determined not to get stressed out by it all, but I’m a little worried, especially as I can’t really pinpoint it. Generally things aren’t great, I feel like I’m drowning in a sea of responsibility that is overwhelming, but that’s no different to usual.

I think I need more sleep. I think part of it is SAD type stuff - the sky has been dark and gloomy today and that always has such a strong impact on how I feel. Perhaps I’m a bear in disguise and I should have been sleeping for the whole of winter.

I am feeling overfull.
It feels horrible.
Something isn’t right. I’m stressing out about eating again and I feel like I’m back to where I was, though I know I’m not really.
Gah. Why can’t this just be easy?

Yum! I made fish pie tonight from scratch and it was rather good. It was out of my Tamasin Day-Lewis’s Kitchen Bible book. She said to include smoked haddock as well as normal haddock though and I didn’t because I’m not keen on smoked. Even the H liked it, even though it was another one of those meals that’s “not [his] thing”! I’m sure he lived on eggs, chips and beans before me :D

It seems the minimins intuitive eating board has actually gone. When I try and view it now I get a message telling me

Paisley, you do not have permission to access this page.

Meh. Good job I already copied down the posts of mine that I wanted to keep! It’s sad in a way, the end of a fantastic part of my journey. BUT! The new forum is taking off and I’m so pleased that we have a new home that is really our own. There is no-one elses rules, no-one telling us that diets are a better way to lose weight, no lack of support from the moderators (sorry for the double negative…)

I’m kinda hoping this hunger thing will subside a bit now that the TOTM has ended. I’m still hungrier than usual and it’s surprisingly hard to eat more. I think I’m a little afraid of eating more because I’m so used to eating so little now, it’s almost like slipping back into old habits. I’m trying to reassure myself by noticing that I don’t end up overfull or even full, just normally satisfied. That must mean I’m doing ok but I do feel anxious about it.

I pulled out my Beyond a Shadow of a Diet book again today so I’ll probably be boring you all with studies from it over the next few days lol.

I have set up an intuitive eating forum!

Never Hungry Always Hungry forum

I haven’t managed to find a completely free, completely open forum for intuitive eaters so I thought I’d set up my own. All of the others I’ve found have been ones you have to register to read or as side boards on dieting forums.

 Please pass the link on to people you think might be interested in joining. The more members and experiences we have to share, the better!

Looking forward to seeing you there!

xxx

Today I am mostly having a down day. Overwhelmed by everything I have to get done and fed up with everything in general. I wonder if this is PMS?

The bowling was good. I got drunk and we had to put the bumpers up because I’m so rubbish :D Nothing to do with being drunk, I’m just rubbish at bowling. I came last in both games but I was too drunk to care by that point lol. I then talked the hind legs off anyone who would listen, and after everyone had gone home I burst into tears, convinced that everyone hated me or pitied me. Not so good.

On Saturday I went and bought myself a new outfit for my night on the town with my sister. I bought some black skinny bootcut jeans and a sort of dark metal-y blue top with black lace. I loooove my new jeans :)

The night out with my sister was good, though she was a little preoccupied with smoking and the fact that she was single… I even managed to find that my favourite bar Tantra does my favourite cocktail! It’s called a Willy Wonka and has creme de menthe, Baileys, milk and chocolate. Yum!!

Yesterday I slept almost all day! I slept until about 2pm, and then went back to bed again at 4pm, then got up at about 8pm for a burger and then slept until 4.15am!

At 4.15am I was woken by my stomach as I was so hungry. I tried to go back to sleep, thinking I’d have some breakfast when I woke up but my stomach was not giving in. I’d not eaten much over the last few days as we’d been busy or I’d been asleep or I’d just not been hungry. So, I got up and went and bought some cereals, some flavoured milk and a bag of apples. I went back to sleep afterwards and for some reason I’m still yawning now.

 My assignment is due in tomorrow and I’ve still got lots of studying to get out of the way. I knew this month would be a bit crazy as I didn’t do any studying over Christmas. Next month is a timed assignment which sounds a bit scary but the block looks more interesting so I’m looking forward to that.

Generally today is a rubbishy day but I’m trying not to get dragged down by it all.

Today I am feeling very Blah. It’s TOTM, after about 8 weeks without one and considering I have a normal coil that’s quite something. I’m really hungry and we don’t have much food in. Normally I’m barely hungry at all so it wouldn’t be a problem, but today I am Hungry. I think it’s linked to the TOTM thing.

I’m going out bowling with my husband and four of our friends tonight. I am feeling cross and grumpy and just want to sit in bed with a bowl of mashed potato. I bet I’ll lose as well, because I’m rubbish at bowling. It’s all going wrooooooooooooong. </whinge>

I’ve spent the last 6+ months convincing myself it’s not about the weight, but yesterday I realised it is, kind of. Thankfully, the weight thing is now in perspective. I still feel nervous when I think about my birthday night out in town and I imagine myself feeling awkward when I’m dancing because I’m bigger than I see myself from the inside, if that makes sense? So I dance like I’m as slim as I see myself in my head, but then catch a glimse of myself and I just feel stupid. But I feel ok to go and do it and know that the only way to solve that problem is to deal with it, and I’m not going to waste my life waiting to be thin before I go out dancing.

So. I got on my mum’s scales yesterday morning and her scales show a loss of 1st3lb since I last weighed myself in June. Since then I have gained weight, so the actual real loss is more and in a shorter amount of time. I think I’ve been losing weight since the end of September.

It feels surreal, I don’t really believe it. I guess that reflects the point that a slimmer body doesn’t make us happier. I’m over a stone lighter than I was 4 months ago and I hadn’t even noticed! I was actually expecting a gain because I’ve been eating compulsively more over and since Christmas.

Also, rather hilariously, and to highlight the point of our warped sense of body image - I bought a pair of jeans with my birthday money (yesterday, I turned 22!). Size 18. Tried them on in the shop and thought that they were slightly too tight and I’d slim into them a little bit more since my size 20s keep slipping down.

Got back to my mums and put them on, and then they started slipping down too. Throughout the day I began to realise that actually they are ridiculously big all over and I need to return them for the next size down :O How on earth could they have seemed to small in the shop but then be way too big when I was relaxed at home? Bizarre.

My other size 18 jeans seem to vary between being too tight but then slightly slipping down. I’m actually starting to suspect that my size is odd and I’ve been buying terribly fitting jeans for years. I have a big tummy but a defined waist so I need jeans that go over my tummy and fit and stay slightly higher than my belly button otherwise they slip down and do the muffin top thing. Ick.

Now I’m sat here wondering since the intense need to be slim has gone, why do I still want to be slim and I feel it’s kind of about reconciling how I see who I am in my head with the person that looks back at me in the mirror. And then, I realised that the girl I see in my head is of a normal weight without any many body hangups - the weight I believe to be my natural body set point weight. So there seems to be some kind of logic but I still don’t know why I want to lose weight really.