I’m just flicking through Company magazine and peeking at my stars for 2008 and thought I would share one bit of it.

“Capricorn - … GET RID - of your body image fixation. From January onwards, it’s time to stop it holding you back.”

Sounds good to me.

 I have this survey thing that I do every year, so I’ll stick it up now.

1) Where did you begin 2007?
At home with Ben, Toby and Leo

2) What was your status by Valentine’s Day?
Married

3) Were you in school (anytime this year)?
Nope, though I started an OU course in October. Introduction to the Social Sciences, which is 60 points towards a BSc in Psychology.

4) How did you earn your money?
Being a wife and mother. Ben earns all the money in this house.

5) Did you have to go to the hospital?
Yes, for an assessment with the Mother & Baby unit for my post-natal depression and again this weekend after a particularly bad night with my depression, sadly :O(

6) Did you have any encounters with the police?
No.

7) Where did you go on holiday?
Just a weekend in Grange over Sands, Cumbria with Ben’s parents. We so need a proper holiday.

8<>) What did you purchase that was over £500?
A house! Ben bought a big television too.

9) Did you know anybody who got married?
No, but two sets of lovely friends got engaged!

10) Did you know anybody who passed away?
No, thank goodness.

11) Have you run into anybody you left high school with?
Loads through facebook, but not IRL.

12) Did you move anywhere?
Yes!! Moved from a rented house in Carlton to our wonderful house with a decent sized garden in Bingham!

13) What sporting events did you go to?
We went to watch Triggy run a marathon, and we went to see a Nottingham Panthers match a couple of weeks ago.

14) What concerts/shows did you go to?
Mum’s The Word with my mum, Omid Djalili with Ben and Justin Timberlake with Natalie and Take That with my mum and sister - they were all fantastic!

15) Are you registered to vote?
Yes

16) Who did you want to win Big Brother?
I can barely even remember Big Brother. I think I wanted Carole to win at the start, but I think Brian winning was cool too.

17) Where do you live now?
Bingbong!

18) Describe your birthday.
I got spectacularly drunk, twice. Had dinner with my family and then had friends round the next day.

19) What’s the one thing you thought you would never do but did in 2007?
Quit dieting, and still lose weight!!

20) What has been your favourite moment?
Finding out I’d got a place on the Chocolate Fairy training course. It doesn’t start til April next year but I am so excited about it. Also, Toby starting preschool was exciting - only another year til he starts full time at the infants!

21) What’s something you learned about yourself?
That sometimes the things that get you down are only perceived to be so awful and that you can change the way you think to live a less painful life.

22) Any new additions to your family?
No and not for a while either.

23) What was your best month?
September was quite a good month - the depression was subsiding, I had a night in London, my interview and got a place on the Chocolate Fairy course.

24) What music will you remember 2007 by?
Plain White T’s, Kate Nash, Kanye West, Hoosiers, Amy Winehouse, Maximo Park, Just Jack, Newton Faulkner, Nelly Furtado, Justin Timberlake - a fantastic year for music!!

25) Who has been your best drinking buddy?
I’ve spent most of the year on antidepressants unable to get drunk. Rubbish.

26) Made new friends?
Not really, though a few acquaintances through preschool. Met some wonderful, wonderful ladies through intuitive eating forums too :O)

27) Best new friends?
No new ones.

28) Best night out?
The Take That concert and Felicity’s birthday, but I didn’t have anywhere near enough nights out this year!

29) Any regrets?
Not asking for help. I’ve been really ill, and recently, more ill than I had realised, with PND and if I’d be able to ask for help I think I would have been better by now. And wasting so much time being upset by my weight.

2007:
[x] Sucked for me
[] Was awesome
[] Was ok

In 2007 I…
[ ] Dumped someone
[ ] Was dumped by someone
[x] Dyed my hair
[ ] Failed a class
[ ] Fell in love
[x] Had a boyfriend/ girlfriend - husband!
[ ] Snuck out of my house
[x] Stayed up all night - insomnia, joy.
[x] Cried because I missed someone - my mummy, I’m such a kid!
[ ] Had detention(s)
[ ] Missed curfew
[ ] Kissed someone who I regret kissing
[x] Kissed someone I loved
[ ] Made honor roll
[ ] Didn’t make honor roll
[ ] Danced crazily with my friends all night
[x] Gained confidence
[x] Lost a friend(s)
[ ] Gained new friends
[x] changed your look - accepting my size and dressing well for it. And losing the frumpy mum look gradually too.

In 2008 I want to…
[x] Be more outgoing
[x] Get better grades
[x] Care less about how I look - in terms of my size.
[x] Care more about how I look - in terms of my appearance apart from my size.
[x] Be crazier
[x] Keep my resolution
[x] Be more of myself around people

A word to describe 2007: Crap.

In 2008 I will be turning: 22. Why does that feel so old?

Something I want to happen in 2008: Lose weight, dress younger, wear more makeup, start my CF course, get good grades with my OU course, decorate my house, exercise more, go on holiday - I want to have a good time and be happy!

Something I don’t want to happen in 2008: Nothing in particular, though death, poverty, illness etc would be nice to avoid!

My theme song to 2007 would be: not a theme song as such, but Hey There Delilah has been my absolute favourite.

My favorite color in 2007: Red

Summer 2007: was wet and rubbish.

My best friends in 2007: My husband and my mum.

Honestly, will you miss 2007?: Not at all. I can’t wait for it to be over and hope I don’t have another year like this for a long time.

After my switch to Wordpress, I am learning, with the help of my wonderfully patient husband, how to create my own layout. Which means, over the next few days this blog will go through various stages of chaos before it’s how I like it :O)

My old blog address, www.neverhungryalwayshungry.blogspot.com will remain as it is for the time being.

I have had a wonderful Christmas this year. On Christmas Eve as we had just finished the last minute jobs and crawled into bed at 1am I was dreading it. I didn’t want to get up early, I didn’t want to see any family, I just wanted to hide away and sleep through everything. Thankfully the feeling shifted about an hour after waking up.
Both boys loved opening their presents. Even Leo who is only 14 months old got stuck in tearing the paper. His favourite thing was a pair of maracas, and Toby’s favourite thing was Leo’s wooden trike :OD Typical! They’ve had a lovely time and are enjoying all of their presents.
I got those lovely boots after all. I even managed to get the left one to do up completely yesterday :OD It won’t be long before they fit, and they are the most comfortable boots I have ever worn!
Among other things, I got “Feeding The Hungry Heart” by Geneen Roth and “The Craggy Hole in My Heart” but that one didn’t arrive on time. I also got my very own domain name! So in a few days, this blog will be at http://www.neverhungryalwayshungry.co.uk !!
I got a box of chocolates from Hotel Chocolat and so far I’ve eaten one. I’m not hungry at all. I ate a little too much at Christmas dinner and I’ve eaten a little at each meal since but not much. I also haven’t felt anxious that other people are eating all the good chocolates and leaving me with the rubbish ones. Most of the Quality Street and Cadbury’s Heroes have gone now, but I don’t mind. I’ll just pick some up next time I go shopping. I am still always very pleased when I realise just how free I am now.
We’re just going to have a quiet couple of days now - relaxing with eachother, playing with new toys and games and not having to stress about anything. I’m really looking forward to New Year’s Eve. Every year since 2004 I’ve done a yearly recap of how each year has been and even though this year has been overshadowed with negative things, I am feeling very positive about what 2008 holds for me. By this time next year, I expect I’ll be slimmer, plus I’ll be three quarters of the way through my Chocolate Fairy course, I’ll have completed my first OU course. I’m also excited about forming a new identity for myself. I’ve realised that I’m living beyond my years too much and I would like to change that. I want to take more pride in my appearance now that I can see that being fat doesn’t mean there is no point to bother with the rest of how I look. I’m also now able to see that I need to put my needs higher than I do. Being a mother, particularly a young mother with a point to prove, doesn’t mean I have to be some kind of beaten down martyr. Looking after myself means I’ll feel more positive about life in general and passing that onto the rest of my family can only be a good thing.

It’s been a while since I’ve felt such positive anticipation. Roll on 2008!

The house is silent. Ben is out in town with his friend and the children are tucked up in bed. I don’t like silence much, I find it a bit eerie.
We got a Wii! I’ve been playing with it tonight while Ben has been out. I’ve played table tennis, bowling, boxing, tennis, golf and snooker, I’ve fished, raced round a track on a cows back and knocked down scarecrows and flown around a galaxy with Mario :OD
I’ve also felt a bit more in tune with my body tonight. I’m feeling a bit larger, though I think the time of year is getting to me slightly. Realising that I will be seeing a lot of family that I haven’t seen for two years, and in that time I have gone from a 10 to a 20 and then back down to an 18. All they will see is the increase from 10 to 18, and then I’ll be telling them that I’m going to teach people how to lose weight without dieting. I can just imagine what they’ll be thinking because I would have thought it myself. Not good.
But, I did feel hungry today for the first time in a while. I think my depression is still slowly getting worse so my appetite is mostly non-existant again, but tonight I felt hungry. Perhaps even too hungry maybe since I wasn’t bothered what I ate as long as it stopped me from being hungry? I ate mindfully though, mostly, and I didn’t overate. I hate overeating now and find it almost alien that I have lived for the past five years, if not more, living my whole day-to-day life overeating. In fact I think I would struggle to overeat even if I tried. The food doesn’t taste nice, I don’t feel good physically, I feel bad emotionally as I know the physical draining feeling will continue for a couple of hours… it’s not worth it anymore.
Now I’m here, I can see the Beyond Chocolate tools simply as tools. They were a little out there - letting yourself overeat if you need to for example, but it was a necessary step to get me out of a hole. Until I could open my eyes enough to really see how it feels to overeat, I never could have stopped it. I still remember the night when I decided to “sod it” and just throw myself into the BC principles. I remember it feeling like I’d just jumped out of a plane, and then I remember climbing into bed with a load of food and getting stuck in, mindfully of course, and then out of nowhere, I wanted to stop. I think I perhaps ate a yoghurt and a half, or maybe two, and then I was done. There I was, convinced I would have eaten myself out of house and home given half the chance and then fifteen minutes later I was done. What kind of a poor effort was that :OD
I still can’t thank Sophie & Audrey and Geneen enough. I don’t think there is anything I can do to repay them for what they have done for me. It feels awkward to have this intense emotion and not know what to do with it. I almost feel like I want to grab them by the shoulders and say “But you dont get it! I am SO GRATEFUL for what you have done for me!!”, but of course that would just be plain silly.

Just 4 more sleeps til Christmas. I am so not ready for it this year. It feels like it should be at least a couple more months away. My best friend’s baby is due in the middle of January too and that has just flown by as well. I think perhaps a part of it is due to my depression - the only way I can get through each day is to be as self absorbed as possible as too much reaching out to others exhausts me mentally, emotionally and physically. So the weeks fly by without me really noticing, which is sad, but even more so while I have young children.

Somehow I had never managed to separate the ideas of success and perfection. This evening, I’ve just been looking for a new quote to update my BC signature with and I came across this one:

Aim for success, not perfection. Never give up your right to be wrong, because then you will lose the ability to learn new things and move forward with your life.
Dr. David M. Burns

I think that kind of makes it a little clearer.

Also, I took part in a BC teleclass!
I was so nervous, I wasn’t going to do it, I was going to sit the whole call in silence, then I wasn’t going to bother at all again But I just did it. And I’m so glad I did, it was so helpful to hear these women in real time and their real voices telling me how they feel and for them to pick up on some points I made and to identify with them on points they made too.I was worried because it was about feeling ok with our bodies and the idea of ourselves being beautiful and so on, and I kind of felt like I’m ok with my body now. I want to lose weight still, but I’m ok. So I wondered if maybe I wouldn’t be any help to anybody or maybe the class wouldn’t really help me but it was great. It brought up some new things to think about, made me realise where I’m getting stuck with some things and also cleared up a few misconceptions that I had about working towards liking my body.

I’m so glad I did it because before I did I had no doubts that I wouldn’t bother joining that part of the guru club and now I am looking forward to being part of the teleclass every month!

Definitely worth a go if you can get a free taster session like I did, just to see whether it works for you. If it doesn’t, you can stay quiet for the whole call or maybe like me you’ll find it surprisingly easy and helpful.

My Chocolate Kingdom
A Fragment of a Dream …and in my Chocolate Kingdom they brough me great MOUNTAINS of CHOCOLATE and thereof did I eat. And it did not make me feel ILL or ASHAMED, neither did it put weight on my THIGHS. For the chocolate was health-giving and NOURISHING, and the more I ate, the more BEAUTIFUL I became.

-Edward Monkton.

:O)
It makes me smile to think this is no longer a dream for me. That I can fill my cupboards with chocolate and I don’t have to eat it. And that when I decide I would quite like some, whether that be a single piece or several bars, I can eat it without feeling sinful afterwards, and it doesn’t equal weight gain anymore. So for me now, it is health-giving and nourishing because it nourishes my emotional and sensory health. Sometimes the soothing sensation of chocolate melting on my tongue is just what I need to cheer me up, and that’s not a bad thing. Am I more beautiful? Yes, I think so. Not because I have lost weight, but because my soul is being recognised, respected and treated well by me.

Just nine more sleeps til Santa!

We went to fetch our Christmas tree tonight from Sherwood Pines Forest Park. It was fantastic. I really enjoyed choosing our own tree. The children had a giggle too.

We haven’t decorated it yet though. I need to buy some more decorations as a lot of the glass ones got smashed, and we had to dash out to the ice hockey game. I hadn’t been to one before and tbh I don’t think I’m too fussed about going again. The players were really aggressive with eachother, and the commentator had to keep advertising all the sponsors which was really annoying.

But anyway, our tree is fantastic even undecorated. It’s a beautiful dark green colour and smells fantastic. They had spruces, pines and firs for sale and we got a fir tree.

I also the most AMAZING night at the Take That concert on Thursday. I was worried it wasn’t going to be too good and I’m not a big fan of them but I’d bought the tickets to cheer my mum up. It was absolutely fan-tas-tic! There was lasers, opera singers, ballet dancers, bridges that descended from the ceiling, travelators, fires and firedancing, african drums… It was so fantastic. You could see in their faces that the boys loved it too, they really put their hearts and souls into performing.

I’m making an effort to dress more like a 21 year old in the hope that this will raise my spirits enough to start acting more like one. Obviously I won’t ever get back that freedom, but I don’t have to be the frumpy mother that I’ve become. It’s hard though, it’s definitely a symptom of my struggle with finding an identity. Forming an identity that fits both a mother, a wife and a young woman hasn’t been easy and I think I’ve acted older than I am to prove that I can be a good mother even if I am 21, and also to blend in with other mothers instead of looking different. I don’t want to do that anymore though and thankfully, with BC, I’ve learnt that it isn’t slimness that enables me to be young. Being slim would make it easier to dress younger, but I don’t have to wait until I’m slim to even try anymore.

I also went out for dinner with Ben to celebrate our second anniversary last night - it’s not til Tuesday but getting a babysitter on a weeknight is close to impossible. We went to one of our local pubs, The Chesterfield. I had goats cheese and sundried tomato salad to start, followed by venison and then a chocolate mousse. The starter was fantastic, the venision was very bland which was disappointing, and the chocolate mousse was so rich! I only managed to eat half of the main and pudding. We did finish a bottle of Veuve Cliquot between us though. I’ve waited four years to try that particular brand and it’s now my favourite. Yummity yum!

I’m going to have a busy week this week getting everything ready for Christmas. I’m determined to have everything ready slightly in advance otherwise I end up completely run down and usually ill on Christmas day and boxing day. Not good.

Anyway, I’m off for a slice of cake. Bye xx

Tonight I’m feeling rubbish and desperately want to be slim so that others find me attractive. Why do I want others to find me attractive? Why do I want to feel validated in that way?
*sigh*
Perhaps a bit too “heart on my sleeve” but I think I’m feeling a bit frumpy and fed up as a wife and mother. I think I’m associating my previous younger life with slimness. I’d say young, free and single but I’ve only been single for six weeks since I was fourteen and a half lol. Perhaps it’s wanting to have it all - that rush that you get from other people finding you attractive, but the security and stillness and stability that love provides. I’d never switch the love that I have with Ben for anything in the world, but it’d be nice to feel sexy too sometimes. Why can’t I associate my size with sexiness?
Hmmf.
Well, now I just feel sad and silly, which I guess is better than feeling like I wanted to ring my mum (Cambridge Diet counsellor) for shakes and soups.

Silly me!

*toot toot toot* <– Me blowing my own trumpet :OD

I got 77%!! The number of minor mistakes (mostly typos) is hilarious, but I got 77% after spending a couple of hours doing an assignment that should have taken 12 hours!!

Yayyyyyyyyyyyy!!
And finally we have some cash, so I am going to get a bottle of wine and some lovely fish for dinner to celebrate. Yummety yum!

Went to see my doctor this morning. I’m being referred to the Psychiatric team because I’m still not improving and over the last month or so I’ve got considerably worse. Utterly determined not to let this affect either my OU work or my BC fairy course in April. Though saying that, I had a mad rush to get my assignment in tonight. I submitted it with 3 minutes to go, though I think I did a good job considering the circumstances. I got a 79% on my first assignment. I will be happy with anything above 65% but realistically expecting somewhere between 50-65%.
The doctor gave me a questionnaire to rate how bad the symptoms are and I got 22 out of 27, so quite high. I have no appetite again.
I am also having some binge type desires that I’m not entirely sure are linked to the weight loss thing. I want to eat when I feel hard done by, and I wanted to eat tonight to celebrate getting my assignment in but we didn’t have anything I felt like eating. I’m also very aware that eating doesn’t work the way it used to anymore so it would be utterly pointless as it wouldn’t even be a comfort, which makes the desires all the more confusing.

Ordered £32 worth of stuff from Avon though, so hopefully that will cheer me up a little when it arrives on the 12th. I bought some red lipstick and nail polish (my favourite colour), a teal eyeliner/eyeshadow duo thing as I always wear neutral colours and wanted to try something difference, and a tamagotchi pet thing LOL. I’m such a kid. I’m sure it will be rubbish, but it’s only a fiver and I’m sure Toby will use it if I don’t. Still, the thought of treating myself to something silly like that brings a smile to my face which is worth a whole lot more than a fiver at the moment :O)