Already! Can you believe it? I can’t.
Still, I’m a winter girl at heart so I’m excited. Organizedchristmas.com has already started it’s Holiday Grand Plan. I feel naughty for being tempted to join them. Heehee!

Toby is back at preschool on Tuesday. The holidays haven’t been great as I haven’t been too well this summer, but I’m hanging in there. I’ve got a lot to look forward to and I know it will go away in time.

I joined the local doctors and the local library last week. I had a medical check up, and they needed to know what I weigh. I told her I didn’t want to know, and that I was aware I was obese, verging on morbidly obese but it was important that I didn’t know what I weigh. She didn’t tell me, but my BMI flashed up on her screen. 31.4. Lower than I expected! Last time I weighed myself, I knew my BMI was climbing and I think it was somewhere around 34/35 but I was too scared to find out. So, I must be losing weight!

It makes sense. I have been doing well with IE lately (hence the lack of blogging, nothing much to say!) so while the real success is my relaxed relationship with food, I was still surprised by the inevitable weight loss.

I have also joined the library - something I have been to shy to do for a long time! Silly really as the librarian was fantastic and I now have White Teeth, Shopaholic and Baby and Chocolate Girls to get stuck into. I have started White Teeth already and I can’t believe I waited seven years to read it. It’s brilliant already and I’m only on chapter two!

I’ve had some good food finds recently too! I found Rococo dark chocolate with cardomom in Waitrose yesterday, and tonight I found that Ikea sell the Lingonberry syrup for their lingonberry juice that I love! I picked up some sachets for the cream sauce and a jar of lingonberry sauce too so that we don’t have to go all the way to Ikea for meatballs now!!

Not long now til the Beyond Chocolate meet and I can’t wait! I am so excited to meet everyone. And my new exercise movement classes start this week too. And I got my appointment through for the Mother & Baby assessment unit for therapy sessions. Now I remember why I blog - it shows the negative thoughts are merely thoughts, and the positive things get plonked into one place and everything feels brighter!

:O)

I haven’t been around much recently but I think the last time I was worrying about buying size 20 jeans.

Well, I went and did it and although I walked out of the shop feeling a litle I can say today that I feel I am so comfortable, the jeans are a little loose and I do need a belt, but my 18s were always digging in to my tummy, making me feel slightly full even when I hadn’t eaten all day!

I haven’t burned the label, in fact I starting to actually like it. Wearing my “fat jeans” has become my fingers up to the dieting industry.

And as for my mum (I couldn’t bare to tell her I’m a size 20 when she thinks I’m a 14/16) she commented that I look like I had lost weight, even though I hadn’t (and still haven’t) told her what size my jeans are. I don’t know whether I have lost weight or not, although I must admit that last week when I tried on the jeans I was dying to get on the scales to see where my weight is now.

But what does that figure tell me? Not that I am worth more or less, simply that I am learning to look after myself, after years of punishing myself with food.

I have had a rubbishy week this last week. Too much stress, Leo is finally teething and Toby is home because of the school holidays, and Ben has my car so I don’t really have anywhere to go.

Intuitive eating wise things are going ok. I can’t remember the last time I binged (she says, clearly tempting fate!), I haven’t really been bothered by food this last week, it’s all been quite boring. I’m not sure this is a good thing, but I just can’t find the motivation to find something I really want to eat, and when I do find the motivation, nothing comes. I feel like I could live off air quite happily! I think I am finally getting to grips with this hungry signal though. I’m not sure about it as it is insanely subtle, though I guess it will get stronger the more I wait for it. I don’t really feel anything, except my mouth feels empty and my stomach feels light. Food definitely tastes more “vibrant” when I get this.

I have been re-reading my “Breaking Free from Emotional Eating” book by Geneen Roth again, and underlining the things that stand out for me and making notes at the back. I did the same with my Beyond Chocolate book as well. It’s handy to just be able to look at the back and find the exact page I need for how I am feeling. I think underlining/highlighting parts also makes me read the book more closely and I get more out of it. It’s such a fantastic book, especially the chapters on judgement.

The only other thing this week is clothes sizes. I went to buy some trousers and I needed a size 20. I found it so upsetting I couldn’t buy the trousers, just left the store and drove home trying not to cry. It symbolises so much for me, both bad and good but I wasn’t strong enough to face up to it all on Friday. Thank heavens for the girls on the Beyond Chocolate forum coming to my rescue. I now feel like I can go and buy the trousers, cut out and burn the label and get on with my life!

I think I am having a very introspective week. I feel like I want to push the whole world away and just concentrate on myself. That sounds a little selfish but I am coming to learn that the need for isolation and self-care is an extremely important one, even if it is not valued in the slightest in this culture. I have been losing myself in my Sims2 game - it’s nice to be able to switch off sometimes :O)