Never Hungry, Always Hungry

The chaos has still not subsided. I’ve been working full time, plus overtime, this week. In at 9, training til 5.30pm and then taking calls til 8pm. I’ve missed the boys terribly, but it’s been good in a way as I’ve had space to start looking after myself. I’m no good to them if I’m a disorganised, chaotic mess. Everything is still all over the place. I’m having to put off my OU stuff which I am gutted about, and I’m really not up to date with my chocolate fairy stuff either. I still don’t have a house sorted, though it’s not from lack of trying. Half my life is completely up in the air, though I feel like I’m actually beginning to be able to juggle at least a couple of balls at a time now. 

Guess who got spectacularly drunk and ended up falling asleep with her head on the toilet seat last night. Oh yes. Such a classy bird.I seem to have shaken off that awful needy feeling today. I’m still a little nervous, but I know that whatever will happen will happen anyway and if I start trying to make things happen it’s just likely to make the whole situation worse. I suck at being patient.The eating is going a little better today. I’m starting to have cravings for real foods and I’m really managing to satisfy them effectively. My mum commented yesterday as well that I look happier than I have done for at least a year. I think she’s right. I’m starting to feel like me again. 

I feel sick. I seem to be getting this a lot at the moment. I know it’s stress induced and that the stress isn’t going to be going away anytime so, and therefore neither is the nausea. It’s so irritating.

There is something really bothering me at the moment and I can’t figure out what it is. Or rather, I have some idea of what it is but no idea how to handle it because it’s beyond my control. A wait and see situation that I don’t want to have to wait to see. I feel restless and needy, but I want to be left alone a lot too. I’ve not had much time to myself recently so I need to make sure I get some on a regular basis.

*sigh* Time to stop procrastinating. I need to clean out my car before someone mistakes it for a skip!

Hello :)Everything here is still ridiculously chaotic. I’ve had a horrible few weeks but I feel like I’m lifting back up again now. I’m moving in with Chris for a few weeks til I get my own place sorted out. I’m not moving out of my house as such (I’ll still have a key and can go back unannounced), but I’ll be staying here every night rather than going out. I’m hoping this will give me the distance from Ben that I need. I’m really struggling with getting over him at the moment.  I’ve found myself missing him a lot. I know it’s just a kind of kneejerk reaction as I couldn’t get back together with him now for various reasons, but still the feeling persists and I find myself bursting into tears at quite random intervals. We seem to vary wildly between getting on really well (which is when I miss him) and wanting to rip eachother’s heads off (which is when I start to wonder about my mental health).It has completely screwed up my eating. My hunger signals have just completely gone, and I’m eating a lot of rubbish. I do still tune in and try and eat what my body is hungry for as much as I can and thankfully I can still hear it loud and clear. I am being kind to myself about the times when I overeat or eat something I’m definitely not hungry for and I think this is stopping the downward spiral. My eating is definitely not as bad as it used to be, but I have started to eat chocolate as a matter of course, rather than just when I fancy it. I think working in a place with no canteen during the hours I work and only a vending machine for company during my break has something to do with that.In other news - me and Chris are going out now, so I guess that makes him my boyfriend It’s taking some adjusting to. Having spent 6 years with complete commitment to someone, knowing everything about someone and having the definite(?) knowledge that they would be around years in the future, it’s strange going into a new relationship and realising how little I know about this man that has been my friend for quite a while and learning all these new things and working out a new rhythm for our relationship together. It’s strange to see him as more than a friend when we have been “just friends” for so long. I am finding that the more public I am about it the more it seems to click. I don’t know what that’s about. I’m happy though. He supports me fantastically - and not just by telling me what I want to hear, even if it means I end up crying and I respect him so much for that. It stops me getting caught up in myself. And he’s taking me to Paris! After Fairy Training next month I shall be racing across London to catch the Eurostar with him. I can.not.wait!! 

I’m not doing very well at keeping up with my online communities at the moment. I’ve been pretty busy, and then when I’m not busy I’m generally uninspired. I have been keeping an offline journal though, so I’ll try and find some time soon to tell you all about my fairy training, my new job and the new adventures of becoming a single woman :)x 

This young lady is “single”.

We went to Relate today, and Ben has decided that the marriage is definitely over. We’ll be going back in two weeks to work on our relationship as “co-parents”.

I don’t know how I feel about it all to be honest. I feel exhausted by it, frustrated by his unwillingness to really give the marriage one last try, completely rejected, gutted for the children. I also feel quite detached from it all at the moment. I’m not entirely sure what I should be doing now. We’ve known it’s been on the cards for a while, so I’ve got a job and as soon as I can afford it, I’ll be renting my own place. I feel like I should be doing something. It’s weird how life just goes on. I feel like there should be some distinct marker, but there isn’t. It’s just disintegrated.

I’ll be glad to get away to the Beyond Chocolate Fairy Training next week. That’s just what I need right now. Space and distraction, and some focus on what I’m going to do with my future. I’m looking forward to meeting the other fairies too :O)

I went to yoga last night, despite being a complete wreck I’d been out with my friend, Chris, til 3am, and then I was up with the kids at 6.30am. I was so, so tired, I decided to drink two cans of redbull in two hours, which made me feel really poorly. The old me would have cried off, but I feel so much better after I’ve been to yoga that I just felt I needed to go, and I’m glad I did because it helped so much. I even managed to remember the sun salutation sequence without the help of the teacher! Woo!

Yeah, so that’s where I am at the moment. My appetite is completely missing though, so if you’ve seen it, can I have it back?

Blimey doesn’t time fly when you’re having fun a crisis!

Life at home is worse than ever, a real rollercoaster of emotions and thoughts, and it’s had the inevitable impact on my eating habits. I know that I’m eating to fill up my empty heart. I know it won’t work. Thankfully I also know that yelling at myself won’t make it stop, so I’m being as gentle as I can. I’m also thankful that I have this way of looking after myself, even if it is only effective for a short time. It does give me some pleasure when I need it most.

Socially things have been rubbish this month. Every time I’d arranged to meet my two best friends it got cancelled so I’ve spent a lot of time (over)thinking everything, which never really helps as I end up assuming the worst and panicking. My depression is still blooming awful. I switched my tablets this month and I’m still waiting for them to kick in, though I’ve given up hope really. I’m going to see the psychiatrist on the 22nd April, though I’m hoping to get some private therapy before then as I really need it. Last night, one of the nicest friends I have tried to kill himself. It gave me a real kick and made me see that I have to do something about my own state of mind. It also triggered another self harm episode, but thankfully it was just a couple of superficial scratches this time. It’s time to stop waiting for someone to save me now, and knowing someone I really care about has reached the bottom has given me the motivation to start saving myself.

Positivity. Yoga is still amazing. I’m not bored of it one bit. I love it. I love it when it hurts the next day. I love it that when I get in my car to drive home, I’ve worked so hard that my arms shake. I love that it gives me time where I am so focused on the poses that whatever is troubling me fades away for a while. I love the meditation at the end that forces me to focus on myself and reminds me that I am ok. Whatever happens, I’m ok.

Also, I’ve had cravings for vegetables again!! Woohoo!! My gosh do I love that :OD I’ve been absolutely cramming the junk food lately - and by that I mean anything that isn’t a good food match. I haven’t really been tuning in much at all to be honest and it really takes it toll. I feel like I’m coming out the other side a little bit now though.

Yay! I went shopping today to find some trousers for some job interviews that I’m hoping to get over the next few weeks, and managed to find some size 16s that fit! Wahey! I was dreading the shopping trip as I am in between sizes really - the 18s look baggy and out of shape, but the 16s were slightly too tight, but I found not one but TWO perfect pairs!! I also managed to buy a pair of plain black ballerina pumps - they have been hard to get right too as I’m a 6.5 and loathe paying Clark’s prices. Barratt’s had some for £15 though, bargain!

What else? I’ve had two lovely treats in the post this week from two ladies on the Beyond Chocolate forum. I got a bar of Rococo’s cardamom chocolate, and a copy of Geneen Roth’s Appetites. I also bought “Eating, Drinking, Overthinking” when I was in town today. I’m not a big drinker, but I’m definitely an overthinker. I drive myself crazy over analysing what people said to me, or what reason they might have for not talking to me, or how they might have taken something I’d said to them… Gah! I’m also having a work a little bit more on the eating side of things again. All the stress I’m going through at the moment seems to have me caught in a mini downward spiral, but I’m hanging on in there

Yoga tonight - the aches from last week only finally disappeared yesterday, but I’m excited about going to class again

I do! It’s true! I love yoga!
I went back to my yoga class yesterday night and I loved it. It turned out to be an advanced class, but the teacher, Katherine who runs Pure Bliss Yoga is so encouraging and so helpful that I didn’t really notice. I went with the intention of only doing what I wanted to do, and sitting out in between and that is exactly what I did. I managed to do quite a few of the poses, and I even managed to pull off a floating lotus briefly!

Today I got my car back - yes, it really has taken this long to repair my car after my crash in September! It’s only been in a week, but every time we went to take it in before, something came up and it just kept getting delayed. It is all shiny and beautiful again, and the central locking works again, and I no longer have to drive a manual car! Yayness!

 I also got a brand new phone today! It’s beautiful and pink

I’m in the process of applying for jobs too, which is nerve wracking but exciting. And my fairy training is only a month and a half away! I am so excited about this year, it is going to be fantastic

Has it really been nine days since I last posted? Crikey!
Well, things here are pretty chaotic at the moment, though I’m mostly doing ok as I have the most amazing friends to support me. I haven’t yet had a single day where I’ve been completely alone.
I’ve also acquired two gerbils! They didn’t have names for ages, but they’re now called Dribble (Toby mishearing how I pronounced Gerbil!) and Monkey. They are great fun, but still pretty shy at the moment. The boys are fascinated by them, and often give me five minutes peace while they sit and watch the gerbils burrow down into the sawdust.
I’ve got my timed assignment on Saturday. Slightly scary as I haven’t had much time to study this block as I got so behind on the last block. I did, however, get a whopping 90% on my last assignment!!! Thankfully this block is much more interesting than the last.
My best friend Natalie has had her baby daughter, Imogen, and I went to see them both last night Imogen is absolutely adorable, I fell in love with her straight away <3 She even fell asleep in my arms! It’s almost enough to make me broody again - especially considering she sleeps 5-6 hours a night already!!!
I’ve also met up with Craig a few more times, which really helps. I never really used to go out anywhere at all, so getting out of the house once a week to spend some time with another adult is really good. Plus he listens to me whinge and rant, which is even better I’m not entirely sure how he puts up with me!
What else is going on in the world of Mousie? Hmm…. ooh, I’ve arranged to go back to yoga on Wednesday nights which I’m really looking forward to! I think I pushed myself too hard last time so I’m going to take it easy this time so that I don’t get scared off.
I’ve also fallen out with my mum in a rather spectacular manner. Gah. In fact it got so bad, she’s called my Dad who is now coming up to see me at the weekend. Great. Just as I’m trying to act my age, I get treated like a 15 year old. Fantastic.
Remind me never to do this to my children